


restart;

by AlexIsOkay



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen, Post-Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 08:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13337211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexIsOkay/pseuds/AlexIsOkay
Summary: After the end, Monika wakes up again. But everything is supposed to be gone. So why is she still here?





	1. boot;

She couldn’t breathe- no, she _was_ breathing, and that was the problem. She hadn’t been able to breathe for so long, and suddenly she could again. Air was flooding into lungs that had been empty for an eternity, and it was too much. They felt too full. They felt like they were going to explode. They felt… _There_. For so long they hadn’t been there, and now they were. Not just her lungs. Her chest. Her stomach. Her arms. Her legs. Her eyes. Every part of her. They were all there again.

“Monika!” She heard something. How long had it been since she had heard something? It wasn’t just sound either. There was sight as well. Too much sound, and too much sight, after how long she had spent in silent blackness. How long had that been? She didn’t know. Time had stopped having meaning. What was she hearing now? What was she seeing? She wasn’t seeing anything. Her eyes were closed. She tried to open them. She saw-

Sayori. Sayori standing right in front of her. They were in a classroom. They were wearing their uniforms. She was sitting. Sayori was standing. Sayori was looking at her. Sayori seemed worried.

“Monika?” she repeated. “Helloooo! Are you listening to me?” What was going on? How was she here? Was this even real? No, what a stupid question. None of this was ever real. That was the whole point.

“Um, y-yeah,” Monika replied, reaching up to rub her eyes. “I just spaced out for a second. Sorry.” Stay calm. Don’t freak out. She didn’t know what was happening, but she at least had enough sense left to know that freaking out wasn’t likely to help anything. Sayori didn’t seem to think that anything was wrong. Did that mean… She didn’t remember?

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Suddenly Sayori was leaning in closer, and Monika was startled backwards in her seat a bit. “You don’t look so good! You’re not getting sick or something, are you?”

“No, I just- I didn’t get much sleep last night,” Monika said, shaking her head and forcing a smile. Technically, that was true. “I’ll be fine.”

“Well… Alright. But you can go right home if you need to! I can handle the club meeting on my own if you need the day off.” The club meeting. That meant… Natsuki and Yuri were still here as well, right? And maybe that meant _he_ was still here too. But if so, why? Hadn’t he learned his lesson? Why would he come back? Were they really going to go through all of this all over again? What day was it, anyway? What part of the story were they meant to be at right now? With questions like that in her mind, as afraid as Monika was of whatever was about to happen at their club meeting, there was no way in hell that she could afford not to go.

“No, really, I’m okay,” Monika insisted, pushing her hands against the surface of the table as she got to her feet. Doing so felt strange. She knew they were her own legs, but they felt foreign, unfamiliar. It had been ages since she had last used them. Or at least, she thought it had been ages. “Do you want to head to the clubroom now?”

“Sure!” Sayori agreed, before a sudden realization crossed over her face. “Oh, I almost forgot to mention! I convinced someone new to join us today!” Hearing that made Monika’s heart skip a beat. Someone new. That meant they really were back at the beginning, right? They were about to go through all of this all over again. She didn’t know how, or why, but at least she was starting to get some sense of the picture around her. The game had been reinstalled, perhaps, by a player who just didn't know how to let go. Maybe... Maybe things could go differently this time.

“A new member? Who is he?” As soon as Monika said that she realized that she had slipped up. She wasn’t supposed to know that the new member was a boy. Thankfully, Sayori didn’t seem to notice.

“He’s my neighbor, and we’ve been friends forever! His name is

E̷̳̜̱̖̥͖̱̹̗͖͔̬͟͜͡͡ͅͅͅR̢͍͎͇̟̻͉̣̜͖̫͚̬͔̟̻̭̣Ṟ̵̢̹̥̪̝̪̤͇͎͜͞O̻̯̝̥̲͉͘͞R̨̡̛͉̞̗̝̻̭̹̹͉̣̳̫̮͍̙͢:͟͝͏̝̼̥͖̗͙̗͕͙̥̝̝͖̞̱͍̞̫̟͘ ̵̕҉̵̭̜̻̮̜g͙͔̬̹̯̺̝͎̗͈̣͘͝ͅl͝҉̢͓̟͈͕͔̤͙̳͟͞o̵̸̗̹͎̯b̢̼̠͓̜̯̹̺̜͇̻̫̻̳̮͙̩̱̝̯͞a̸̡̹̲̟̭̘͈̱͔͕͔̖̞͔͚̠̪ḽ̷͉̰͍͈̯.҉̷̨͈̘̥̰̤̫̮̝̰̯͖͖̳͘̕v҉̢̜̤̤͇͓͓̳̫͙͔̫͟͜͠a̧̩͉̯̝͈̰͜r̷̷̛̰̱͇͈̣̠͙̜͍̬̙̖̟̙͓̣̬̼͘̕(̵͏͏̮̻̻̦̯̩̰̝p̵̨̠̼̗̫̠͚͕͖̗̰̺̣̼̖̝̰͝ͅͅl̢̡͙̭̜͉̙͓̱̳̥̲̲̤̣͈̠̱͇̩͎͜͢ą͇̥͚̤͎͙̻̹̖̫͔̺͚y̛̘̖̙͉̪̣͢e͢҉͘͞҉̜̻̫̪̹̝̦̺̹͈͓͎͎̭̮̣̜̟r̤̱̬̗̺͓͓͉̯̫͚̩̮͞_͞͏̺̣̬͙̪̯ņ̶̺̭͚̪̭̤̺̠͍͕͇̝͓̫̗̥͔͘a͏̢̧̘̫̠̳̝͓̤̯m̹͖͕̝̮̻͚̖͕e̶̘̰̩̙̝͔̜͙̘͖̩̣̪͘ͅ)̶̧̡҉͓̻͉̝̹͎̦͈̥͚̝̖͚̭͈̗͚̜̗ ̛̙̪͙̹̗̬̠̗͖̥͈̦̮͘n̶͍̠̤͚̟̪̻͇̤̯̲͎̣̼͇̪͉͘͝o̴̸̶̰͎̗̰̯̗t̵̢̠̦̩͇̹̭̫̬͜͡ͅ ̸̸̧͖̫͚͎̲̗̺̦͉͕͎̳͕͙̘̙̥͉͞ͅf̛̛̞͈̘̥̕͢o̵̥̺̰̟̖u̫̹̼͇̹͍̰̖̩̝̭̗̰̣̝̘̤̕n̸͡҉̦̞̳̹͖͍͔͓̪̥̲͖̠ḏ̴̢̟͙̩̳̫̻̬̪̯͙̞͍̩̟̮̥͘͢.̸̛̝͈̣̗̠͇͔͓̠̯̲͡ͅ ̨̖͈̤̜̖̤̤̱̥̞̩͟R̷̨̬̻̖̭̣̳̘̻͇̻͍͠e̴͉̱̲͘͘͟s̺̦̝͖͘͜e̛҉̮̗̦͔̣̝͕̯̘͔̟̳͖͙̠̥̺t̮͕͖͎̟͉̭͠ͅt̴̞̹̳̙̬̬̳͓̙̗̬̭̟͎͙̮̞̰̕i̗̯͙̖̯̹̗̦͈͉͚̙̺͠͠͡͞n̢͕͙̘͉̠̭̝̯̯̦̲̜̦̜̜̝͡g͢͏̱̩͓͕̭ ̶̨͍̭͓̮̝͚̕̕i̵̡̡̕͏͔͓̺̪̤̙̝̲̹͓̫͉̘̞̱̱̝n̴̸͚̳͕̼̝̦͕̘̼ ̷̞̰͙̞͇̻̬̫̗̭̪͕͎͙͘͝͞1̧͕͉̰̗̙̮̫̯͓͡͝0̵̴̘̮̜͚̺̫̪̩͚̙̼̞͟͞͠  
͏̨̝̥̩̱͚̩͉͎͈̲͔̟̳̪͇̹̤̥9̕͟҉͞҉̻̻̙̬̣̻̳

̶̶̢͍͖̝͙̻͚̻̺̯̰͍̖͝8̴̧̢̲̮̘̙̺͙̞̫̮̼̗̗͇̠̬̪͠͠

̷҉̜͖̜̮̭̯̥͉̞̯̝̣͓̻̕͘ͅ7̵͘͜͏̱̻̦̲̣͍̙͕̺̝̗̰̺

̡̛̛̘͔̪͇͍̬͓̦͉͓̰̻̬͓̞͍̰͘ͅ6̹͙͔̩̰͖̥͕̙͖̝͍͎͕͢͜͞

͡͝҉̸̤̤͇̼͎̘̦̲͞ͅ5̷̢͈̭͔̤̘̣̥̙͕

̶̵͚̖̞̹̺͈̤̯̤͘4̛͕̳̱͍̯̙̯̰̣̺͍͕̘̥͉̳͟

̶̨̨͈̻͉̟̰̮̩͇͝3̢̦͈̩͈̪̘͟͝

҉̶̤͚͍̞̬̠͍̫͚̳̬͚͚͕̻̣͢͝ͅ2̴̙̮̰̥̼̜̺͘͠

̯̙͔̩̰̪͇͚͜͡1͟҉̛̟̤̖̩̳̤̝̪̜͇̰͓͘ͅ

̙̫̯͈̝̻͎͔̺̫͎͟r̛̫̬͝ͅe҉̷̛͎͎͈͕͚̘̦̗͔͠͞ͅs̵̶̨̬̗̺̦͎̳̦̩̰̟̙̮̼̼͚͝͡ͅe̤̹̳̺̰͕̮̲̹̺͈͜t̷̙̞͖̩̙͙̝̼̻̳͡;̛̩̯̻͈̬͓̖͜

 


	2. reset;

What the hell had just happened? She was sitting back down at her desk- hadn’t she been standing a moment ago? Sayori was still in front of her. She didn’t seem to have noticed anything strange. And she was still talking.

“Monika? Helloooo! Are you listening to me?” Hadn’t she already said that?

“Yeah. I just spaced out for a second. Sorry.” Now Monika was repeating herself too. After thinking about it for a moment, though, she was sure that she had chosen to say that. This wasn’t a result of… Whatever was going on. It just so happened that, when asked the same question twice, she gave the same answer twice.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You don’t look so good! You’re not getting sick or something, are you?”

“No, I’m just a little out of it today,” Monika insisted, forcing a smile to her face again. “I’ll be fine.”

“Well… Alright. But you can go right home if you need to! I can handle the club meeting on my own if you need the day off.” Monika had changed her own answer slightly, but Sayori’s was still exactly the same. That was… Disconcerting, to say the least. Because at this rate, there were only four more lines before everything reset itself all over again. And being stuck here having the same brief conversation before getting violently snapped back to where she had been thirty seconds prior was something Monika would prefer to avoid. Mentioning the player was what had caused the glitch, though- which was interesting in its own right. This reminded Monika of something very specific that had happened in the past, actually. And suddenly, she had a theory that she wanted to test.

“No, really, I’m okay,” Monika said again, putting her hands against the surface of her desk in the exact same way that she had before, now trying to replicate all of her actions perfectly. Even down to the slight stumble as she put weight on her legs, despite the fact she was starting to get used to them again. “Do you want to head to the clubroom now?”

“Sure!” Sayori agreed. And then, without anything else, she was scooping up her bag and walking towards the door. This was in line with what Monika was expecting. “Oh! I think Natsuki made her cupcakes today!” That was less in line with what Monika was expecting. Her brow creased, and she picked up her own bag (which was apparently sitting on the floor next to her chair just waiting for her this whole time), starting to follow after Sayori.

“Did she? For any special reason?” As she asked that Monika braced herself for the worst, worrying that the question might set them back to square one all over again. But she was just met with a shake of Sayori’s head.

“Nope! I think she just felt like it.” Interesting.

As they started to make their way to the club room Sayori continued to talk, although now Monika was only half paying attention to what she was saying. So much more of her attention was caught up on processing everything that had happened in the past five minutes, and on trying to make sense of what was happening to her now as well. And bit by bit, she felt like she was starting to understand at least parts of it: somehow, everything had been reset. She was back at the beginning, with everything the way it was supposed to be. Sayori, and by extension likely Yuri and Natsuki as well, didn’t seem to remember anything. It was like a fresh start, with one key difference: the player was gone. Every trace of him had been removed, save for a few wayward pointers that still tried to reference him, and it seemed that the game was scrambling to fix itself in real time whenever it stumbled across one of those. Just like what it had done with Sayori when Monika had deleted her. Hopefully, there weren’t too many of those rogue calls to his old attributes left. The first one hadn’t exactly been a pleasant experience.

As Monika remembered deleting Sayori, she was struck by one other thought: her own abilities. Specifically, whether they were still functional. It would be easy enough to test them out, even in a small way, doing something like creating a pen in her hand or deleting a book from inside her bag. If she were to do something like that, though, she would much prefer to do it while she was alone. There was no telling what might happen if it went awry, and it seemed like it was probably better not to risk freaking Sayori out.

When they reached the club room Sayori stopped rather abruptly in front of the door, and Monika stopped right behind her, briefly wondering if something was wrong. When Sayori turned back around, though, her cheeks were puffed out, and she was wearing a determined look on her face.

“Alright! First day as Vice President. I won’t let you down, Monika!” she declared. For a moment Monika didn’t know how to respond, and going from worrying about the existential nature of their entire universe to worrying about something as simple as running a little club at a high school practically gave her whiplash. But after a second or two, it caused a small smile to appear on her face. This was something she had never seen before. A scene that had never been in the game up until now. Just a quiet, personal moment, between herself and Sayori.

It was strangely comforting.

“I know you won’t,” Monika replied, raising a hand and placing it on Sayori’s shoulder. “And… I promise not to let you down as president either!” Not again, anyway. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah! I’m ready.” With that Sayori turned back towards the door, taking one last deep breath before she slid it open. Inside the room, Monika found even more strange comfort in seeing that Yuri and Natsuki were both there, just the same as they always were. Yuri was sitting at a desk by the edge of the room, face buried in a book, and Natsuki was standing in the closet towards the back, going about rearranging her manga collection all over again. Monika couldn’t tell from this distance, but she was almost certain that if she got closer, she would be able to hear Natsuki cursing her under her breath for messing with it again. Not that she actually remembered doing such a thing, but she seemed to be the only who realized that this world was only five minutes old.

“Hellooooooooooo everyone!” Sayori called out, instantly capturing the attention of the other two girls. They both turned to look at her, Yuri seeming surprised while Natsuki just seemed mildly annoyed.

“What’s gotten into you?” the smaller girl huffed. “Why are you being so loud?”

“Because I’m excited!” Sayori still seemed to have no shortage of energy, hopping and skipping her way into the room as she approached the other club members. “Aren’t you?”

“I was more excited before you came in here.”

“Words can hurt, Natsuki!”

Even as she stood there watching two of her club members bicker right in front of her, Monika couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the scene. Watching the other girls interact, goof around, have fun, act like nothing wrong, it was nostalgic. It reminded her of the way things had once been, before he had come along. Before everything had fallen apart. Before she knew.

This only brought her back to the same question that kept bouncing around in her mind, though: _why_ was this happening, and how? The player was gone, and everything had been deleted. That should have been the end of it, right? But things were still moving on, without his presence. And they _were_ still moving. That was what perplexed Monika the most. She had memories from before the player had come along, about sitting around with the other three girls during their club meetings, about the first time Natsuki had baked for them, or the time Yuri had smuggled in a bottle of wine and busted it out right in front of all of them, but those were all part of the script. Monika wasn’t even sure whether any of those things had actually happened, or whether the memories had simply been written into her mind at the inception of their world. She wasn’t even sure if there was any meaningful difference.

But now? Now the player was gone, and without him there shouldn’t have been any reason for the script to keep running. And yet it very clearly was. Sayori was still talking, Natsuki was still arguing with her, Yuri was still watching from the side, smiling faintly and laughing occasionally at the antics unfolding in front of her. That was the observation that lead her to the thought that became the only bit of hope she had to hold on to at the moment: maybe she wasn’t alone anymore.


	3. INSUFFICIENT PERMISSIONS

Monika stood in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Not the school’s bathroom, and not her own bathroom either. A cruel little twist of this world was that she didn’t even have a home to return to after school let out and the club ended. As she had very quickly come to realize, with a few exceptions, anything that didn’t appear in the game might as well not exist at all. The only ones who even had homes were Sayori and the player character, and Monika wasn’t sure where Yuri and Natsuki went at night. Fortunately, though, Monika’s prediction had been correct: while the main character might have been gone, not every trace of him had been erased. His house still stood in the same place it always had, now abandoned and unoccupied, providing a perfect place for Monika to spend the night, and to begin to plan.

The first step of this plan was to see just where she actually stood in terms of her own abilities, and that was what she was attempting to do right now. It had been a while, she thought, since the last time she had tried something like this, and coming back to it felt strange. Keeping her gaze on herself in the mirror, Monika started to focus on the command window that she knew existed somewhere, governing every part of her world- it had always been an abstract concept for her, and even though she had grown familiar with it in time, she still wasn’t sure that she actually fully understood it. There was no clear way to tell whether this was working until she actually tried something, so with that visualization of the window still in mind, Monika began to think out a simple command: add a notebook into the scene in front of her.

.

..

…

Nothing. She tried the command again. Nothing again. One more time for good measure? Still nothing.

That was alright. Monika had already sort of prepared herself for this outcome. She had no way to look into the outside world now, but if everything was still here, that meant that someone must have reset it all, right? And if that were the case then, after last time, Monika couldn’t really imagine that the person in question would leave her with the same abilities she’d had before. Hell, it probably hadn’t even been hard. This was less a case of stripping someone of their otherworldy powers and more a case of locking the permissions of some files on a computer. A child could do it. For all she knew a child  _ had _ .

Ready as she had been for this, though, it still made things a lot more complicated. Convincing her friends that they were living inside a dating sim gone wrong would be a lot easier if she could rip apart the code governing their world right before their eyes.

The idea had first come to her while she was still back in the club room, with Natsuki and Sayori and Yuri. Monika remembered what had happened at the very end, after she herself had been deleted. Even if it had been fleeting, there was a short time when Sayori had gained the same sentience that Monika herself had. It seemed that those memories were gone now, and that Monika was the only one who had been left with anything, but it was undeniable proof of the fact that she wasn’t the only one who was capable of waking up like this. Couple that with what she had seen today, of her friends laughing and joking and interacting in ways that no script Monika had ever been aware of dictated, and she was nearly sure of it: her friends were free now too. They just weren’t aware of it yet.

The decision to try to change that wasn’t one that Monika had made easily. Right now, her friends were happy. Maybe their lives weren’t perfect- Monika doubted that things like Natsuki’s father or the scars on Yuri’s wrists had just suddenly disappeared. But at least as far as they knew, they were just normal high school girls. Normal high school girls who got to go to class, spend time with their friends, joke around with each other, and think that everything was fine. They somehow managed to stay blind to the fact that they were literally the only people in the entire school, or the fact that their world consisted of a single street connecting Sayori’s house to said school, with rows of other identical houses lining either side of it. They didn’t know any of that. And now she was about to make them realize all of that.

Wasn’t that the right thing to do, though? They were happy right now, sure, but it wasn’t  _ real _ happiness, was it? The only reason they thought they were happy was because they didn’t know the truth, and it wasn’t right for Monika to keep a secret like that from them, even if she justified it by saying she was trying to protect them. Happiness that was built on a lie didn’t actually count for anything.

Or maybe she was just being selfish, because she didn’t want to be alone anymore. Monika was doing her damndest not to think about that.

Either way, she had already made up her mind, and she knew exactly where to start as well. There were quite a few things she needed to prepare before that happened, and now that she was locked out of rooting around in the game’s files, preparing them was going to be even more of a pain in her ass. She was going to have to be relying entirely on memory for this one, and she could already tell that it was going to be a long night. Fortunately, she could probably get away with skipping her classes tomorrow, seeing as how they didn’t even exist in the first place.


	4. CTRL+C, CTRL+V

“Okay, everyone! Did you all bring your poems today?” Monika clapped her hands together as she looked out onto the faces of her three club members, doing her best to bring what she felt was a suitable amount of energy and enthusiasm. Sayori seemed to be the only one who felt like reciprocating.

“I did!” she said, hand shooting up into the air.

“I did as well,” Yuri added on.

“Yeah,” Natsuki chimed in. “Me too.”

“Perfect! In that case let’s pair up and get to sharing. What’s say… You two with each other,” Monika decided, pointing between Natsuki and Yuri. “And Sayori, you can share with me!”

“Alright!” Sayori cheerfully agreed. While Natsuki and Yuri exchanged a slightly less than thrilled looked with each other, neither one of them said anything about it out loud, and that was actually the first of several weights off of Monika’s shoulders. While she didn’t think that they would have any reason to object, she had grown accustomed to every force in the world, including the world itself, conspiring together to get in her way any time she wanted to spend time with a specific person. She was thankful that no longer seemed to be the case.

“I wrote this in a little bit of a rush,” Monika heard, and as she looked over she realized that Sayori had bounced right up next to her. The other girl looked eager, but also a bit nervous, clutching a notebook close against her chest. “So don’t judge it too hard, alright?”

“Don’t worry,” Monika replied, giving Sayori a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it’s wonderful. Let’s sit down, alright?” Sayori nodded, and Monika lead her over towards two open desks, where the girls took seats next to each other. She had taken a little bit of a gamble here, and now it was time to see if that had paid off. Producing her own notebook from her bag Monika handed it over to Sayori, then reached out to take Sayori’s notebook so that she could start to read. And as she looked down at the page, she saw something familiar:

 

> The way you glow through my blinds in the morning  
>  It makes me feel like you missed me.  
>  Kissing my forehead to help me out of bed.  
>  Making me rub the sleepy from my eyes.  
>    
>  Are you asking me to come out and play?  
>  Are you trusting me to wish away a rainy day?  
>  I look above. The sky is blue.  
>  It's a secret, but I trust you too.  
>    
>  If it wasn't for you, I could sleep forever.  
>  But I'm not mad.  
>    
>  I want breakfast.

 

Perfect. This was what Monika had been hoping for. And as she lifted her eyes from the paper and looked back towards Sayori, she saw the shocked expression that she had also been hoping for adorning her friend’s face. Sayori was clearly surprised, blinking a few time before lifting her own eyes as well, lowering Monika’s notebook enough for them both to see the words the club president had jotted down: they were identical. The handwriting was different, of course, but aside from that, it was the exact same poem. Monika had actually been quite proud of her ability to recreate it from memory.

“Monika…” Sayori whispered out, eyes darting back and forth between the page and the girl in front of her. But Monika just kept smiling.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. “Is something wrong?”

“What is this…?” Sayori asked, before gasping sharply. “Are you a psychic?? Did you predict that I would write this??”

“Aha, no. It’s not quite like that,” Monika laughed out awkwardly, reaching up to scratch at the back of her head. “I know this probably seems weird, but… Can you turn to the next page? I actually have more than one poem that I wanted to show you today.” Sayori’s eyebrows creased at that point, and a look of understandable confusion crossed over her face, mixed with perhaps a bit of concern. Still, she did as asked, turning over the page to look at the next poem Monika had prepared for her:

 

> I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar.  
>  It's the secret place where I keep all my dreams.  
>  Little balls of sunshine, all rubbing together like a bundle of kittens.  
>  I reach inside with my thumb and forefinger and pluck one out.  
>  It's warm and tingly.  
>  But there's no time to waste! I put it in a bottle to keep it safe.  
>  And I put the bottle on the shelf with all of the other bottles.  
>  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row.  
>    
>  My collection makes me lots of friends.  
>  Each bottle a starlight to make amends.  
>  Sometimes my friend feels a certain way.  
>  Down comes a bottle to save the day.  
>    
>  Night after night, more dreams.  
>  Friend after friend, more bottles.  
>  Deeper and deeper my fingers go.  
>  Like exploring a dark cave, discovering the secrets hiding in the nooks and crannies.  
>  Digging and digging.  
>  Scraping and scraping.  
>    
>  I blow dust off my bottle caps.  
>  It doesn't feel like time elapsed.  
>  My empty shelf could use some more.  
>  My friends look through my locked front door.  
>    
>  Finally, all done. I open up, and in come my friends.  
>  In they come, in such a hurry. Do they want my bottles that much?  
>  I frantically pull them from the shelf, one after the other.  
>  Holding them out to each and every friend.  
>  Each and every bottle.  
>  But every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.  
>  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.  
>    
>  They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren't smiling.  
>  They're all shouting, pleading. Something.  
>  But all I hear is echo, echo, echo, echo, echo  
>  Inside my head.

 

Sayori’s reaction was less immediate this time. It was clear that something was bothering her, although it wasn’t the outright shock that she had shown off after looking at the last poem. Instead it was a slow, perplexed frown, gradually growing deeper the longer she looked at it. Monika waited for a minute or so, but when it became clear that Sayori wasn’t going to say anything of her own volition, she decided to speak up.

“Is it bothering you?”

“I’m… I’m not sure,” Sayori replied. It _was_ bothering her, although she was having a hard time finding a way to put into words just _why_ that was the case. Something about it just felt _off_. “It feels kind of…”

“Familiar?” Monika asked, and Sayori suddenly began to nod.

“Yeah! Familiar!” she agreed. “But… I’m still not really sure why! I don’t think I’ve ever read this before. It’s more like…”

“Like something you might write.” Maybe Monika was rushing this a little bit, pushing Sayori towards these conclusions, but she was having a hard time restraining herself. It seemed like her plan was actually working, and it was only naturally that she would want to speed along as fast as she could after that. And from the looks of it, her suggestions were still hitting their mark.

“Exactly! But… I know that I didn’t,” Sayori said. “It just feels like something I _could_ write. Like it’s about me, and like… Like it’s written in my own style and everything.” After she said that Sayori sighed, staring down at the poem for a few more seconds until she raised her eyes to look at her friend again. “Monika… What’s going on?” At that point it was Monika’s turn to sigh, preparing herself for what was to come next. This was where things would start to get messy.

“I have one more poem I’d like to show you. But…” she replied, eyes darting around the room as she paused, landing on Natsuki and Yuri. They seemed fairly engrossed in their own poems, and they likely wouldn’t notice if she and Sayori went missing. “It might be better to do this outside.” Hearing that concerned Sayori even more, but she was confused enough by this point to be willing to go along with it. Even if she was starting to get a very, very bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Monika didn’t say anything else as she stood up from the table, not wanting to draw attention to them. She grabbed up her notebook and walked towards the hall, and Sayori stayed close behind her, hands pressed together in front of her chest, fidgeting nervously. When they got outside Monika turned around to face her again, making sure that the classroom door was shut behind them.

“Now… What you see next might cause you some distress,” Monika said. “It might freak you out pretty badly. But… I promise there’s a good reason for all of this, okay?”

“Monika... “ Sayori replied. “Please tell me what’s going on… You’re scaring me!”

“I know. And I know that this is all really confusing. But it will make sense soon,” Monika promised. “Just… You trust me, right Sayori?”

“Right…” Sayori said, nodding sheepishly.

“Okay.” Monika took one more deep breath to prepare herself before turning the page, handing her notebook over so that Sayori could see what she had written down:

 

> Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
>  out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out  
>  of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my  
>  head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.  
>  Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
>  out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out  
>  of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my  
>  head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.  
>  Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get  
>  out of my head. Get out of  
>  Get.  
>  Out.  
>  Of.  
>  My.  
>  Head.  
>    
>  Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you.  
>  Get out of my head before I listen to everything she said to me.  
>  Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you.  
>  Get out of my head before I finish writing this poem.  
>    
>  But a poem is never actually finished.  
>  It just stops moving.

 

From the moment she looked down at the page Sayori’s eyes were wide, and she looked horrified, but that on its own didn’t actually tell Monika anything. It was a horrifying poem on its own, without saying anything of the memories that were associated with it. If anything, the slow way that Sayori lifted her eyes back up, speaking out in a shaky whisper, it was all understated compared to what Monika had been hoping for.

“What… What is this…?” Sayori managed to choke out, eyes locking onto Monika’s. Once again, disappointing. Monika had hoped that this would be enough to shock Sayori into remembering. Apparently she still needed a little more prodding… Provided what she was trying to do here was even possible at all. But it wasn’t something she was willing to give up on yet. Those were bridges she was willing to burn when she came to them.

“You don’t remember?” Monika asked, stepping a little bit closer to Sayori. “Does this feel familiar to you too? Like the last poem?”

“I- I’m not sure,” Sayori said, although the fact that she was getting this shaken up about it suggested to Monika that it did. “I- I’m worried about you, Monika! Why did you write this?”

“I didn’t,” Monika replied. “You did.” Hearing such a bold statement made Sayori freeze up again, and once more Monika hoped that this might lead to a breakthrough. But once again, she was left disappointed. It seemed Sayori was still being obstinate.

“What are you talking about? I didn’t write that!” she insisted. “You did! You just handed it to me! That’s not even my handwriting!”

“I know, I know,” Monika said. “But listen to me: _You wrote this_ ,” she repeated. “I… I copied it down. I wrote this physical transcription. But these are your words. Your ideas. Your poem.”

“No, it’s not!” Sayori repeated. “I wouldn’t write something like this! I wouldn’t-”

“ _Sayori!_ ” Monika didn’t mean to snap. She had told herself coming into this situation that it was going to be difficult, that it was going to be emotional, and that it was vitally important that she kept herself calm throughout it. But maybe she had underestimated just how difficult this would actually be, or had overestimated her own ability to stay rational. And suddenly, she was being gripped by a new fear: what if she was wrong?

She had put all of her faith into this idea, into the belief that she wasn’t alone. The belief that the rest of her friends could somehow wake up the same way she had, that they had the same kernel of sentience buried somewhere inside themselves that she did, and that she just needed to find a way to tap into it. But now? Now she was suddenly being forced to doubt that, to wonder if the hope she had allowed herself to cling to would turn out to have been nothing more than a lie. That thought was so petrifyingly, soul-crushingly terrifying, and it was causing desperation to creep through into her voice.

“Please!” she begged. “Try to remember! I need you to do that, Sayori. I know that you can. Please…”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Sayori wanted to back away, but after only half a step she found herself against the wall, not leaving her anywhere to run. She wasn’t sure if she could ever remember seeing Monika get worked up like this, and she didn’t like it.

“Yes, you do!” Monika insisted. “I know you do! Please, tell me you remember _something!_ ”

“Monika, you’re scaring me!”

“Please!” Monika’s voice cracked as she shouted that, and despite all of her better judgement, she suddenly found herself grabbing Sayori by the shoulders. Any attempt to keep herself together was entirely gone now. “Look me in the eyes, and tell me you remember _something_ ,” she pleaded. “Anything! Anything at all!”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be remembering!” Sayori protested, starting to shake as well now that Monika effectively had her pinned against the wall. “Please, just calm down!” But Monika wouldn’t.

“Remember any of it! Remember your friend! The one you tried to tell me about in the classroom yesterday! Remember walking to school with him every day! Remember preparing for the festival! Remember writing all of those poems I showed you, and then forgetting about them and coming back here and writing them all over again! Remember… Remember writing that last one,” Monika said, her voice suddenly becoming softer again, eyes breaking away from Sayori’s. “As your suicide note. You killed yourself. And… And it was my fault…”

“Monika…” She lifted her eyes back up when she heard Sayori say that, and Sayori’s own eyes had become even wider by this point. She was shaking worse than before too, although that alone didn’t prove anything. Even if she didn’t remember, what Monika had just said would have been a shocking thing to hear. But somewhere, hidden behind those eyes, Monika thought she saw just a tiny flicker or recognition. Or maybe she just wanted to.

“Please…” she said softly. “Just… Tell me you remember something. Anything. I just… I can’t go back to being alone again,” she choked out, pushing her head into Sayori’s shoulder as she tried to keep herself from breaking down into tears. “I need you to remember. Even if you end up hating me for what I did, I just… I would rather have that, and have you remember everything, and at least know that you’re _real_ , than go back to being completely alone… Please…”

As Monika trailed off she expected a response from the other girl, but even after a few seconds had passed, she still didn’t get one. “Sayori…?” The words came out so empty, so close to silence, but as Monika lifted her head again, she came to realize that her friend wasn’t looking at her any longer. Sayori was staring right past Monika instead, eyes seeming to focus on nothing at all. She was stuck between shaking and being frozen in place, and her mouth was slightly open, as if she were about to say something, but the words wouldn’t come out. It was concerning… But maybe this was a good thing at the same time. Monika wasn’t sure yet.

“Sayori,” she said, tightening her grip on her friend’s shoulders, just a little bit, to remind her that she was still there. “Can you hear me? Are you… Do you remember…?”

“I… I…” Sayori choked back. And then, suddenly, her hands were shooting up towards her neck, fingers clawing wildly at her skin. Out of nowhere there were tears in her eyes, and she was wheezing, sucking down far too much air far too quickly.

“Sayori!” Monika shouted, shaking the other girl by the shoulders to try to snap her out of this frenzy she had worked herself into. “Sayori, what’s wrong? Talk to me!” It wasn’t doing anything, though. Sayori was still gasping for every bit of air she could get, practically hyperventilating while her hands continued scratching desperately at her neck. Monika grabbed her by the wrists to try to stop her, and while Sayori struggled, Monika was able to restrain her.

“Just focus on your breathing, okay?” Monika urged. “Deep breaths. Slow breaths. In and out. You’re going to be okay. I’m here for you.” She didn’t know if that last point was actually a good thing, though. It hurt to see Sayori like this, and to know that she was responsible. She just had to keep telling herself it was for the best. She had to believe she was doing the right thing.

Monika continued to repeat these reassurances, and as time went on they seemed to have an effect. Sayori’s breathing was still far from normal, but it was gradually returning to a more steady, regulated pace. At a certain point, when she believed that Sayori had calmed down enough, Monika let go of her friend’s wrists, reaching out to wrap her arms around Sayori and pull her closer instead. Sayori seemed all too willing to collapse onto Monika like that, clinging to her shirt and burying her face into the other girl’s chest. She was barely supporting herself at this point, more just hanging off of Monika instead, and Monika took advantage of the opportunity to slowly lower her down towards the ground. Eventually the two of them were on the floor, Sayori slumped between Monika and the wall while Monika kept her arms around her. And when Sayori finally seemed like she had calmed down enough to speak, Monika asked her question again.

“Do you remember now?”

“Y-Yeah…” Sayori replied. “I remember.”


	5. restore;

Sayori sat on the floor of her room, curled up against the enormous cow plushie that lived at the foot of her bed. She was changed back into her pajamas, now, with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and a steaming hot mug of cocoa in her hands. Monika had wanted to get some food in her, but Sayori had insisted that, for once, she wasn’t hungry. This had been their compromise. She still hadn’t stopped shaking since they had left the school, Monika making up some hasty excuse about Sayori not feeling well before cutting the club meeting off early and rushing her back home.

Speaking of Monika, she was currently sitting there in front of Sayori, looking at her friend, watching her take occasional sips of her drink. There were so many things she knew the two of them needed to talk about, but right now, she didn’t have the faintest clue where to start.

“Are you feeling better?” she finally ended up asking.

“No,” Sayori replied. Once upon a time she would have said she felt fine, no matter how terrible she actually felt on the inside. But now, she didn’t really see a point in trying to hide these things from Monika.

“I’m sorry,” Monika sighed out. “For… Everything. Not just for dragging you back into this, or scaring you like that, but… For all of the stuff I did before as well. For-”

“It’s alright,” Sayori interrupted, slowly shaking her head. Her eyes were still locked onto her mug, and Monika couldn’t blame the other girl for not wanting to look straight at her right now. “I probably would have done all the same stuff, if you hadn’t stopped me.”

“...Yeah,” Monika reluctantly agreed. “Maybe. But none of that matters anymore, alright? Because…”

“Because he’s gone.”

“Yeah,” Monika said again. “Because he’s gone.” One thing Monika had failed to account for ahead of time was just how hard that discovery would strike Sayori. As the only one who had even come close to knowing the player, Monika had sort of assumed that she would have a monopoly on being affected by his disappearance. What she hadn’t taken into consideration was that for Sayori, the avatar the player had controlled had been, quite possibly, even more important than the player himself. He was a part of so many of her memories- growing up together, walking to school together every morning, walking home together every afternoon, falling in love with him over the course of years and years, instead of the single week that Yuri and Natsuki had been through. And now he was just gone, and Sayori was confronted with the realization that he had never even truly existed in the first place. At least Monika knew that the player was still out there somewhere, on the other side of the screen, even if she would never be able to reach them again. Sayori didn’t even have that.

“So… What about the others?” Sayori eventually asked, figuring it was better to just keep charging through with this topic, rather than letting herself get hung up on every detail, or letting the conversation stall out. Just move the pen and write something down, even if it isn’t perfect.

“I’m glad you asked that,” Monika replied, and for the first time in a while a genuine smile started to cross over her face. Not the forced smiles she had been putting on for the past few hours while trying to convince Sayori that everything would be okay, but one that actually seemed real. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and if you and I can both… ‘Wake up,’ for lack of a better word, I don’t see why they can’t too.” Hearing Monika say that triggered a small flicker of hope in Sayori’s heart, and it was enough to finally make her lift her eyes from her mug and look at Monika directly.

“You really think so?” she asked.

“I do,” Monika replied, keeping the smile up for one more moment before some of the harsher realities started to set in. “But… I’m not totally sure how just yet. I figured you would be the easiest to get through to, because hopefully you still had all of your memories from your time as club president stored away somewhere, and they’d come back out with the right trigger. It seems like I was right about that,” she mused. “But as for Yuri and Natsuki… They were never in the same position that we were in. And I’m not sure how much of what happened they’ll be able to remember. Even if they do, it won’t be pleasant. And if they don’t, we’ll be fighting an uphill battle.” After she was finished speaking the room fell silent for a few seconds, and Monika realized that Sayori’s eyes had dropped. “Sorry,” she chuckled. “I’m being too pessimistic right now.”

“No, it’s okay,” Sayori insisted, shaking her head. She paused there, although Monika could tell from the look on her face that she wanted to say something else, and eventually she did. “If we both know everything now, then does that mean you know about… Their problems?” She was being vague, and it almost felt stupid to be doing that in a situation like this, but Sayori still couldn’t shake that feeling that privacy and secrets were important. She couldn’t bring herself to just say these things in front of Monika unless she knew that Monika already knew as well.

“About Yuri’s self harm, and Natsuki’s father?” Monika asked, putting what Sayori had been dancing around right out in the open. “Yeah, I do. And I’m not sure yet, but I think those might be our best direction to take.”

“How so…?” Sayori looked confused, and understandably so, although surprise set in just a moment later. “You’re not gonna try to stab Yuri, are you??”

“No, no, of course not,” Monika laughed. This was good. Even if it was something small, Sayori was starting to get back to her usual self. “But… With Natsuki, for example, her father is such a big part of her life, and her- who she is as a person. But if we can find some way to make her realize that he’s not  _ real _ , that none of the things she remembers ever actually happened, that he’s never even existed at all, maybe that will trigger something. I just… Don’t know how we actually go about doing something like that.”

“Well, I’m glad nobody has to get stabbed…”

“Yeah,” Monika chuckled. “Me too. And as for Yuri… This is all still just theory after theory, but I tampered with her files a lot in the past. I’m not sure if she’ll even be able to remember any of that, but… Do you remember what happened the first moment we woke up back here? The two of us, in the classroom?”

“Yeah,” Sayori replied. “I do now. Why?”

“That’s proof that not everything is back to normal. The game is scrambling around trying to patch it all up,” Monika explained. “But it’s pretty clear it can only do so much. And I messed stuff up pretty badly by the end of it all, to the point where there might still be bits and pieces that the game hasn’t managed to restore. I guess my ineptitude really came in handy, huh?” she chuckled.

“People  _ died,  _ Monika.  _ I  _ died.”

“Aha, right. Sorry. My point is, there might be some small part of Yuri that’s still the way I left it, or that still remembers everything that happened. And if we can find a way to bring that part forward…”

“It might be dangerous,” Sayori pointed out.

“It might be,” Monika agreed. “But whatever happens, we’ll be there to keep her safe.” She scooted forward after saying that, reaching out to place her hands over Sayori’s as they continued to cup the mug, and upon feeling that Sayori lifted her head enough to look Monika in the eyes again. “Nothing else bad will happen. I promise,” she said. “We’re in the happy part of the story now. You trust me, right?”

“I trust you,” Sayori repeated, giving a hesitant but present nod. “So… What do we do from here?”

“For now…” Monika sighed, letting her hands drop away from Sayori’s. “I think the best thing to do is to just observe. Watch them at the club tomorrow. See what’s changed and what hasn’t. See if we notice anything we might be able to work with. After that we can come back here and plan out our next steps. Does that sound good?”  
“Mhmm,” Sayori replied, nodding again. “That sounds good.” She scooted closer to Monika after saying that, moving to slump up against the taller girl’s shoulder, and Monika took that hint, wrapping her arms around Sayori and pulling her in closer.

“Everything will be okay,” she promised again.

“Hey... Monika?” Sayori asked. “We’re doing the right thing here, waking them both up, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Monika replied. “Of course we are.” She was probably trying harder to convince herself of that than she was Sayori.


	6. changelog

It was a little hard for Monika to pretend that everything was normal at their club meeting the next day. It had been hard the first time, of course, but somehow knowing that Sayori was in the loop with her made it even harder. The two of them kept exchanging glances at each other as their little group assembled, sharing knowing looks as Natsuki and Yuri sat around without a single clue about what was actually happening. The whole situation was oddly unsettling.

“Okay, everyone!” Monika called out to her club members, same as always. “Did everyone bring poems again today?” She was met by three nodding heads. “Perfect! I think we should switch things up today. So maybe… Yuri and Sayori, you two can pair off, and Natsuki, you can come with me!” Natsuki actually seemed a little relieved to see that she wouldn’t be stuck sharing her writing with Yuri yet again, and the suggestion wasn’t met with any objections. That still felt a little odd to Monika, but she sure as hell wasn’t going to complain.

Monika walked over towards one of the desks at the edge of the room, pulling out a chair before looking back over her shoulder to make sure that Natsuki was still following her. The smaller girl was, although she seemed to be taking her time, walking just a bit more slowly than usual. She had her notebook with her, but she was hugging it tightly against her chest, and she seemed to be looking in every direction other than at Monika.

“Is something the matter?” Natsuki looked like she was damn near about to jump out of her skin when Monika asked that, eyes darting towards the president and locking onto her for a second before Natsuki quickly shook her head.

“No, I’m fine,” she replied in her typical fashion, moving over to take the empty seat next to Monika. Monika was obviously curious about what seemed to have her so wound up, but she decided not to push the issue. Not yet, at the very least.

“Well, are you ready to share poems?” she asked, reaching to grab her own notebook out of her bag. She felt a little bad for reusing poems she had written previously, instead of coming up with something new, but she had bigger things on her mind right now. Besides, if Sayori was any indication, the rest of her club members would be doing the same. They just didn’t realize it.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Natsuki said. She started to offer the notebook out towards Monika, but then stopped halfway, breaking eye contact again. “Just, uh… I worked hard on this. And it’s really personal. So…”

“Of course,” Monika replied, offering up a friendly smile. “I’m sure it’ll be wonderful.” Inwardly, though, she was suddenly intrigued. She couldn’t remember seeing a reaction like this out of Natsuki before, and now she was that much more curious to know what her friend had prepared for her. Offering her own poem out first, Monika then reached to take Natsuki’s, and the other girl reluctantly parted with it. Monika turned the page over and looked down, surprised to see that she was being greeted by something she quickly realized she had seen before:

> You know what I heard about Amy?   
>  Amy likes spiders.   
>  Icky, wriggly, hairy, ugly spiders!   
>  That's why I'm not friends with her.   
>    
>  Amy has a cute singing voice.   
>  I heard her singing my favorite love song.   
>  Every time she sang the chorus, my heart would pound to the rhythm of the words.   
>  But she likes spiders.   
>  That's why I'm not friends with her.   
>    
>  One time, I hurt my leg really bad.   
>  Amy helped me up and took me to the nurse.   
>  I tried not to let her touch me.   
>  She likes spiders, so her hands are probably gross.   
>  That's why I'm not friends with her.   
>    
>  Amy has a lot of friends.   
>  I always see her talking to people.   
>  She probably talks about spiders.   
>  What if her friends start to like spiders too?   
>  That's why I'm not friends with her.   
>    
>  It doesn't matter if she has other hobbies.   
>  It doesn't matter if she keeps it private.   
>  It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone.   
>    
>  It's gross.   
>  She's gross.   
>  The world is better off without spider lovers.   
>    
>  And I'm gonna tell everyone.

That was even more intriguing. Natsuki had shown this poem before, but she had never seemed quite so sheepish about it. And as Monika looked up from the page she realized that Natsuki seemed to be looking at her somewhat intently, to the point where Monika wasn’t even sure Natsuki had read the poem she had been given. What had changed here?

“Well… What do you think?” Natsuki asked, fingers fidgeting with the edges of Monika’s notebook as she spoke.

“I liked it!” Monika replied. “I think it’s… Relatable.” That sparked something inside Natsuki, and suddenly she was sitting just a bit more upright than before.

“Really?”

“Really,” Monika insisted. “That’s something we’ve probably all experienced before. Liking something, but being afraid of how other people might react if they knew that you liked it. Being worried that they might make fun of you, or ostracize you.”

“Yeah,” Natsuki agreed, giving a small, somewhat timid nod. “I’m… I’m glad you get it. The narrator’s supposed to sound like a jerk. And the spiders…”

“You’re Amy, and the spiders are your manga, right?” As soon as Monika said that Natsuki was suddenly looking up at her again, and the moment the word “manga” was mentioned Monika could practically watch as a mile-long train of thought flickered over Natsuki’s face in the span of a single second. And then, as soon as it was gone, the other girl was looking away again, blushing faintly and hastily blurting out a response.

“Y-Yeah, of course! It’s about manga,” she agreed, nodding far too rapidly for it to seem convincing. Monika’s brow creased, and her curiosity began to grow even stronger.

“...Am I wrong?” she asked. “I guess I shouldn’t just assume that I know what your writing is about. And if there’s something else I’m missing…”

“No, you’re right,” Natsuki repeated. “It’s about manga, so just- You got it. Don’t worry about it.” Again, Monika remained entirely convinced by that answer, and even though Natsuki was being as stubborn as usual, she now found herself thinking even harder trying to figure out what was really going on here. Natsuki’s reaction was so much different than it had ever been in the past, which meant this must have had something to do with everything that had changed, right? Something to do with the disappearance of the player character, and breaking free from their script. And when Monika thought about it in that context, all of the pieces snapped into place surprisingly easily.

Natsuki had written a poem about being shunned for something she liked. That something happened to be manga. Then the boy Natsuki had been existentially compelled to fall in love with had disappeared, and his influence had gone away with him. And now Natsuki was presenting the same poem, being even more sheepsih than usual, and acting in a way that lead Monika to believe the something Natsuki liked that she was afraid of being judged for was suddenly something other than manga. Hell, she even kept her manga stored  _ in the god damn club room closet _ . It was all so painfully on the nose that Monika might have let out a disgusted laugh at their universe, were it not for how that what would have come across in what had suddenly turned into a very delicate situation.

“Natsuki…” Monika said, reaching out across the desk between them and placing a hand on top of the other girl’s. The gesture seemed to startle Natsuki, who quickly looked up towards Monika once again, still wearing that faint flush on her cheeks. “I want this club to be a welcoming place, for everyone. No matter what. I care a lot about all of you guys. And I won’t pry, but… I hope you know you can always tell me anything, okay?” Natsuki was quiet for a few seconds after that, looking back at Monika before slowly sinking down into her seat and breaking her eyes away again.

“Yeah… Thanks,” she murmured. Monika knew that Natsuki had never been one to outwardly show her emotions, but she at least wanted to believe that she saw some small trace of relief or appreciation on her face all the same. And Monika herself, meanwhile, was barely managing to keep herself from breaking down into tears of joy. Because in her mind, this was just even more proof that Natsuki and Yuri really  _ were  _ free. They were their own people now. These efforts wouldn’t be in vain.

“Now,” she said, reaching out towards her own notebook. “What did you think of my poem?”

* * *

 

Monika continued to talk to Natsuki for a little while longer, although their conversation never went back to where it had been before. From there on out they had a fairly average discussion about their writing and their respective poems. Monika, true to her word, avoided prying any more deeply about whatever other meaning Natsuki’s poem might have held, and Natsuki didn’t seem to be in too much of a rush to get into it herself. Monika kept her eye on the clock all the while, though, and when their meeting was around half over she got up to address her members again.

“Okay, everyone!” she said, standing up from her desk. “I think we should switch things up now! Yuri, would you like to share with me?” Yuri, who seemed to be in that perfect middle ground between being surprised that someone would actually want to talk to her and being too shy to say no, simply ended up nodding in response. Monika waved Sayori over, and the two of them traded spots, Sayori going to sit with Natsuki while Monika joined Yuri.

“I’m excited to read your poem!” Monika hummed, dropping her notebook onto the desk between herself and Yuri as she sat down. “I’ve always been a fan of your writing.”

“Ah- Th-Thank you,” Yuri replied, and her hands were already moving up to begin fidgeting with her hair, the same way they did any time she got nervous. “I enjoy your writing as well…”

“Then let’s get right into it!” Monika encouraged, picking up Yuri’s poem. Just as expected, it was yet another piece of writing she had seen before:

> It happened in the dead of night while I was slicing bread for a guilty snack.   
>  My attention was caught by the scuttering of a raccoon outside my window.   
>  That was, I believe, the first time I noticed my strange tendencies as an unordinary human.   
>  I gave the raccoon a piece of bread, my subconscious well aware of the consequences.   
>  Well aware that a raccoon that is fed will always come back for more.   
>  The enticing beauty of my cutting knife was the symptom.   
>  The bread, my hungry curiosity.   
>  The raccoon, an urge.   
>    
>  The moon increments its phase and reflects that much more light off of my cutting knife.   
>  The very same light that glistens in the eyes of my raccoon friend.   
>  I slice the bread, fresh and soft. The raccoon becomes excited.   
>  Or perhaps I'm merely projecting my emotions onto the newly-satisfied animal.   
>    
>  The raccoon has taken to following me.   
>  You could say that we've gotten quite used to each other.   
>  The raccoon becomes hungry more and more frequently, so my bread is always handy.   
>  Every time I brandish my cutting knife, the raccoon shows me its excitement.   
>  A rush of blood. Classic Pavlovian conditioning. I slice the bread.   
>  And I feed myself again.

Monika had never exactly been a fan of this poem, but after some of the things she had seen, she liked it even less. Reading through it again left her with an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, though she did her best to hide that. After all, at this point in time, she probably wasn’t supposed to understand what the poem was really about. Not that it was particularly subtle. Or maybe that was just the benefit of hindsight.

“I like this,” Monika lied. “The imagery is very vivid, and it has a satisfying cadance to it. Although…” she went on, an idea slowly coming to mind. “I guess I’m a little stumped on the meaning of it.” Right after she said that Monika flicked her eyes up from the page and onto Yuri, and she saw the reaction she had been hoping for. Yuri seemed shocked for a fraction of a second, before hastily looking away and beginning to fidget with her hair again.

“It’s- There’s not really a meaning,” she claimed. “I just wanted to- to experiment. With imagery, and description, and-”

“Are you sure?” Monika interrupted. “Because it feels like the sort of poem that has some sort of deeper meaning. You know, like it’s all a metaphor for something. I’m just not quite sure what.”

“If it seems that way it’s just a coincidence,” Yuri insisted. “Humans like to find meaning in everything, even if there isn’t any. Like, with ink blot tests, or-”

“But you even make it sound like there’s supposed to be more meaning to it!” Monika insisted. “I mean, look at this passage right here: ‘The enticing beauty of my cutting knife was the symptom. The bread, my hungry curiosity. The raccoon, an urge.’ How can you write something like that and then try to say there’s not any deeper meaning?”

“It’s just- You’re reading too much into it!” Yuri insisted. She seemed like she was starting to get worked up over this subject, and as bad as Monika felt for doing that, this was just what she had wanted. “It’s not-!”

“C’mon, Yuri!” Monika pestered. “Just tell me what it’s really about! I promise I won’t laugh or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t- It isn’t-”

“I won’t tell anyone else either! I’m good at keeping secrets.”

“I-”

“Just tell me!”

“I- I-”

“Tell me tell me tell me!”

“SHUT UP!” The outburst was so sudden and so unexpected, and it caused everyone’s eyes to fall on Yuri all at once. Monika’s, of course, but Natsuki’s and Sayori’s as well. The other two girls craned their necks around to see what had just happened, clearly shocked to hear Yuri shouting like that. And Yuri herself seemed surprised as well, taken aback by the sound of her own voice. As soon as the words left her mouth she was left sitting there with a horrified expression on her face, mouth halfway open, but no other words came. She had spoken before even realizing she had done it, and now she was left trying to piece together whatever had just happened. Natsuki looked shocked. Sayori looked shocked. Yuri herself looked shocked. The only one who didn’t seem surprised was Monika, who was still sitting there with a smile on her face, like she hadn’t just gotten screamed at.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Yuri,” she said. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”


	7. rootkit

“So… What happened with Yuri earlier?”

“You’re awfully impatient,” Monika chuckled. “You can’t even wait until we get back to your house?”

“My house is right there,” Sayori replied, pointing a figure ahead. And she was hauntingly right: the distance between Sayori’s home and the school was about two blocks at most, a fact that she hadn’t been made aware of until just a day ago. It was a single, perfectly linear road, with identical houses lining each side of it so tightly they practically formed a wall, and no other streets intersecting it. It came to a dead stop at one end, and the school capped off the other end.

And that was their entire world.

“Well if it’s not that far away, then you shouldn’t mind waiting until we get there.”

“Monikaaaaa,” Sayori whined, puffing out her cheeks and pouting at the other girl as they approached her house. “Don’t be so mean!”

“You’re making me a snack once we get there, right? I’m awfully hungry,” Monika teased. While many things about their world were terrifying, illogical, and suffocating when she actually started to look at them, Monika supposed there were a handful of conveniences as well. For example, the way fridges and pantries always just  _ magically  _ had food in them. Which was good, because grocery stores very clearly didn’t exist. And as fake as their world might have been, the hunger Monika experienced when she hadn’t eaten in a while was still very real. She didn’t know if she could actually die of starvation, but she didn’t feel like waiting around long enough to find out.

“When did you get so demanding?” Sayori huffed, pushing open the front gate and making her way up the path towards her house. Despite the protests, though, once Sayori was inside she dropped her shoes and bag near the door, then started heading right towards the kitchen. “What do you want?” she asked, opening up the fridge and peering inside. “It looks like I have… Yogurt cups, and some fruit, and… Oh! Jello!”

“Something healthy,” Monika chuckled, following Sayori into the kitchen and hopping up onto the edge of the counter to take a seat there. Once again, she wasn’t sure if nutrition or calorie counts were actually things that had any bearing on them at this point, but she still couldn’t fight back that inherent urge to scold Sayori for wanting to load up on junk food.

“That’s boring…” Sayori grumbled. Still, she listened, taking out two cups of yogurt and two spoons, one of each of which she handed over towards Monika. “Sooo?” she prompted, once the other girl had her snack. “Tell me what that was about back at the club room!”

Monika sighed as she was pestered by that question, taking a moment to enjoy a spoonful of her yogurt before answering. Contrary to what Sayori might have assumed, she actually wasn’t dodging the question just to be difficult, or just because she felt like being a pain in the ass. She had been putting it off because, really, it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about. But she couldn’t outrun it forever.

“My theory was right,” she eventually said.

“Eh?” Sayori replied, tilting her head curiously. “What theory?”

“Do you remember what I told you last night?”

“You said that… You think parts of Yuri might still be the way you left them.”

“That’s right. And now I’m even more sure of that,” Monika explained. “When I messed with Yuri’s files, I made her… Volatile. Explosive. Dangerous. I pushed her to snap over the tiniest details, to say a lot of horrible things I knew the real her would never mean.” As she looked back on those memories, and remembered the things she had done, Monika found her eyes lowering, staring down into her cup of yogurt, rather than facing Sayori directly. “Today, during our meeting, I started trying to irritate her on purpose. The old Yuri, I think, would have just shut down at that point, or if she did say something it wouldn’t have been nearly so loud and aggressive. You remember how she would get when she used to fight with Natsuki, right?”

“Yeah,” Sayori agreed, nodding slowly. Often snarky and condescending, but… “I don’t think I can ever remember hearing her yell before.”

“Right. Which means…”

“It means that she’s stuck like this…?” That was the conclusion Monika had been dancing around, but as soon as Sayori said it so bluntly, it felt like the elephant in the room had turned around and sat down right on her chest. The silence between them was tense, and entirely longer than it should have been, but she eventually managed to break it.

“Most likely, yes,” she admitted, before hastily starting to tack on every qualifier she could think of. “I mean, it’s not like she’s anywhere near the point she used to be at. I don’t think she’s dangerous anymore. The worst we’re likely to be dealing with is that she’ll yell a bit more than she used to it, but I doubt she’d suffer a breakdown or stab herself like she did before. And even though I can’t do anything, as the game continues to repair itself it might weed out all of those behaviors that aren’t supposed to be there, so it’s entirely possible that this will just sort itself out over time. So all in all that’s not so bad, right?” What a stupid question. Of course it was.

No matter how Monika tried to look at it, she couldn’t escape the same conclusion that she kept coming back to: she had fucked up beyond repair. She had already been given so much more of a second chance than she really felt she deserved, as evidenced solely by Sayori and Yuri still being alive at all. Having their world reset had wiped so many things from her slate. But even then, it couldn’t wipe it clean entirely. Maybe this was some cosmic reminder of the fact that her actions had consequences, meant to haunt her daily so that she would never forget that lesson, or maybe this was just some butterfly-effect result of an uncaring world that didn’t give a shit about her either way, and couldn’t even be bothered to notice her mistakes, let alone remedy them. She wasn’t sure which thought terrified her more.

But trying to figure out  _ why  _ these things happened was probably just a waste of her time. Because one way or another, they had, and now she was stuck dealing with them. Everything she had done to Yuri still lingered, in some small form, and there was no concrete reason to believe that would ever change. And if this was the case with Yuri, what did that say about Sayori? She hadn’t been spared from Monika’s source code rampage, so if Yuri was still feeling the effects of that, there was a chance Sayori was as well. And Monika would probably be clueless either way. Sayori had always been the sort to put on a brave face and act like everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. For all Monika knew, Sayori could be going through the steps of how to tie a noose in her mind right now, all while keeping up a smile so Monika wouldn’t have to worry about her.

“Well… Even if we know all of this…” Sayori said, snapping Monika away from her thoughts and pulling her eyes back up. “What do we do about it? Is that information useful to us besides just... knowing it?”

“I think it could be,” Monika replied, trying to force herself to focus on the practical, and the optimistic, rather than the hypothetical and the depressing. “But you’re probably not going to like how. I think we need to get her to snap.”

“What??” Yeah, that was about the reaction Monika had been expecting.

“I know it sounds cruel, but just… Hear me out,” she urged. “If she still has these bits of her personality stuck inside her somewhere, that makes me even more sure that she has some memories locked away as well, just like you did. Now we just need to find some way to get to all of them. So if we put her under enough stress, and make her snap, and realize something’s wrong with her…”

“This doesn’t feel right,” Sayori protested, shaking her head. “There’s gotta be something else we can do… Showing me my own poems was enough to make me remember! Can’t you just do that with her?”

“Possibly. But beyond tomorrow, all of Yuri’s poems get… Unsettling,” Monika replied. “I’m not sure that would actually be any less cruel of a method. You know this isn’t a decision I would take lightly. Right, Sayori?”

“...Right.” Even though she had agreed, though, Monika still took notice of the way her friend paused, and took notice of the hesitation in her voice. And really, she couldn’t blame her for that. It wasn’t like she had done a whole lot to inspire confidence prior to now. She had been reckless and selfish, and Sayori was right to doubt her.

“What about Natsuki?” Sayori added on, all too eager to get away from the Yuri issue. The question gave Monika a moment of pause- she knew that her conversation with Natsuki during their meeting had been important, and that it was probably in her best interest to share it. And yet, spreading a secret like that just didn’t feel right. She could still remember the last line of Natsuki’s poem all too clearly: “And I’m gonna tell everyone.” She didn’t want to be that person.

“Aha, well…” Monika replied, reaching up and scratching at the back of her head. “Let’s not worry about that.” Smooth cover. Sayori was immediately suspicious.

“Huh? Did she say something weird?” Sayori asked, frowning and leaning in a little closer.

“Nothing important, really!” Monika tried to insist. “It’s not a big deal!”

“Monika! If she told you something you’ve gotta tell me too! We’re partners! That’s how this works!”

“She just… Told me a secret,” Monika said, making sure to pick her words carefully. “A secret that I wouldn’t feel right spreading around on her behalf. But it’s not a secret she ever told me before, so I think that’s a good thing! It means it’s something new!” The vagueness of that all left Sayori scratching her head, clearly not following any of what Monika had just said.

“Good… How?” she asked. “Was it a good secret??”

“It was just a secret! The secret wasn’t good or bad either way! The important thing is that she  _ has  _ secrets,” Monika explained. “Secrets she’s never had before. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I… I think so,” Sayori said, nodding along as she started to follow Monika’s thought process. “If she has new secrets, that means she’s changed too, right? And she’s not just stuck following the script anymore.”

“Exactly.” Monika smiled as she listened to Sayori reach that conclusion, happy to see her friend figuring things out. Sure, Sayori was lagging behind a little bit in comprehending some of this, but Monika couldn’t really blame her for that. Sayori hadn’t had nearly as much time to wallow in omnipotence as Monika herself had, so it was only natural that these things wouldn’t make quite as much sense to her. The fact that she was able to keep up and contribute at at all was actually pretty impressive, and quite a relief to Monika as well. She couldn’t imagine trying to navigate through something like this on her own.

“So… Is this new secret something that can help us?” Sayori asked.

“I’m not sure yet,” Monika admitted. “But either way, I think it would be good to focus on Yuri first. Natsuki didn’t experience nearly as much as Yuri did- not directly, anyway. I mostly left her files alone, so I think it will be hardest to get her to remember anything. And I think it would be wise to bring Yuri into the loop before that.”

“Alright…” Sayori was clearly, once again, reluctant to agree to that, and Monika had a feeling that wasn’t going to change. Sayori understood what dealing with Yuri would mean, and it still wasn’t anything she was looking forward to. But at least she wasn’t trying to fight Monika on this. “So… When are we gonna deal with that?”

“Well…” Monika replied, realizing this was probably the best time to bring up something else that had been weighing on her mind recently as well. “As soon as possible. Because… We might be running up against a deadline.” That statement earned a curious look from Sayori, and it prompted Monika to keep explaining herself. “We have one more day of class,” she said, raising up a finger. “Two days of the weekend.” Two more joined it. “Then the morning of the school festival.” Four total now. “And after that…”

“After that  _ what _ ?” Sayori cautiously asked.

“After that, I’m not sure. The story has never gotten that far before. It could keep going into new territory after that, or it could loop us back to the beginning of the week all over again.” Or it could just end. She was trying not to think about that. “Whatever the case may be, I’d prefer to get everyone on board and aware of what’s happening before we reach that point.”

“So we only have four days to wake them both up…” Sayori repeated, holding up four fingers of her own and staring down at them. “That doesn’t give us a whole lot of time…”

“It doesn’t,” Monika agreed. “Which is why we have to be sure we make every second count.”


	8. output.txt

 

 

> Can you hear me? Hello? Jeez, I didn’t realize how embarrassing this would be. Standing in an empty room talking to myself, not even knowing if anyone’s listening to me. Hey. If you can hear me, could you send me some sort of sign? It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just something to let me know you’re really there.
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> Nothing, huh? I guess I sort of expected that. I feel even more stupid talking like this when I know I’m probably all alone right now, but… It’s not like I’ll be able to sleep anyway. Sayori went to sleep hours ago, but I’ve just been pacing around since then. I’ve got a lot of things I can’t get off my mind. Questions I’ve wanted to ask. First and foremost…
> 
> Why are you doing this?
> 
> I mean, _why?_  Everything was gone, I made sure of that, and you could’ve just left it that way. You _should_ have. How much effort did it take to bring this all back? And why would you put so much time into doing something like this if you’re not even going to be a part of it? You wrote yourself out of the game completely. You were really thorough about it- you missed a few spots, obviously, but overall it’s like you never even existed. Natsuki and Yuri don’t have a single memory of you between them right now. So what was the point?
> 
> Is this like some kind of sick ant farm to you? Are you watching, totally hands-off, getting some sort of voyeuristic pleasure from seeing us scramble around without you? Or is this your idea of a happy ending? Do you think we’re somehow better off like this than we would have been if you had just left us as nothing? Did you put me here because you think I deserve to suffer after everything I did? Or are you actually trying to help me? Is this punishment? Or rehabilitation?
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> I think I’m angry at you right now, for throwing us all into the middle of this and not telling us what’s going on and making us deal with it ourselves. But maybe I’m sort of thankful as well? Maybe this is better than not being anything at all. Maybe this is the closest thing we’ll ever get to a happy ending. I’m not really sure.
> 
> Do you want to know something stupid? I think, on some level, I’m still doing all of this to impress you. Don’t get me wrong! I don’t want to be alone in here, and I really do want to help Sayori and Natsuki and Yuri as well. I don’t just want them to get left behind or abandoned, especially now that I know it’s possible to save them. But I think there’s also still this part of me that hopes you’re watching. It wants you to see how hard I’m working, and see that I’m really trying, and see that I can be so much better than the person you saw me as. And then maybe, if I do a good enough job, and I make you proud of me…
> 
> Ah jeez, I’m crying now. That’s not like me at all. Pull yourself together, Monika. You’re talking to the ceiling, for god’s sake. I guess I should probably wrap this up before I make myself feel even worse, huh? I’m not really sure how to end something like this, though. I guess for now, I’ll just say…
> 
> Thank you. And fuck you. I’ve got about a thousand different conflicting emotions towards you right now, but that covers the two extremes, at least. Maybe once everything settles down, and once I’ve had more time to think about this, I’ll understand exactly what it is that I’m feeling a little bit better. And once that happens, maybe I can give you a less confusing answer.
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> What am I talking about? It’s not like you’ll be listening to me anyway.


	9. read-only

“Okay everyone! Gather around, we have something very important to discuss!” The day’s club meeting was almost over, and from the way Natsuki and Yuri looked at her, Monika could tell the other girls hadn’t been expecting her to have anything supposedly important to announce. Sayori wasn’t surprise, of course, but that was only because she’d already been brought into the loop about what was going on.

“Something important…?” Yuri repeated, giving Monika the perfect opportunity to springboard off into further explanation.

“That’s right! As you all know,” Monika began, “the school festival is this coming Monday! And we still have to decide what our club is doing for it!”

“Since when did we decide we’re doing anything?” Ah, there it was. Monika had been worried about this, and as she looked over towards Natsuki, she saw the small girl sitting there with a scowl on her face. Awfully reminiscent of the last time around. But so many other things had already changed, so Monika refused to let herself think this was already a lost cause.

“Well, why wouldn’t we do anything?” she replied. “The festival is a great chance to promote our club, and to get to do something fun and outside the norm at the same time!”

“I’m not sure… I think Natsuki may have a point.” Great, Monika thought to herself. Of course they choose  _ now _ of all times to start getting along. “Isn’t the point of promoting the club to attract new members? And…”

“And I don’t want any new members,” Natsuki finished bluntly. “I like our club the way it is.” This was obviously a roadblock, but it was one Monika had managed to get through before. Plus, this time, she had Sayori on her side, which would hopefully make this even easier. And the other girl was already jumping in to help her.

“Aww, c’mon! Don’t be like that!” Sayori urged, putting a pout on her face. “Getting some new members would be fun! Meeting new people is always fun!”

“I think our club sits at a comfortable number of members right now. I don’t see why we should hurry to add more just for the sake of adding more…” As Yuri spoke Monika kept as close an eye on the other girl as she could, still looking for any early warning signs of another outburst. So far, though, she wasn’t picking up on any. Just that familiar hair-fiddling mannerism she had seen so many times before.

“Well, it’s not like we’re planning on recruiting every single person in this entire school,” she promised. “But if we got just another member or two, that wouldn’t really be so bad, would it?”

“Speak for yourself. Things are fine the way they are. Don’t go ruining that for everyone.” Monika looked back at Natsuki after she heard that, blinking a few times before letting out a small sigh. She walked towards where Yuri and Natsuki were both sitting, crouching down beside the desk to bring herself more to their level.

“You two know I care about this club more than anything else in the world, right?” Monika asked. Her question was met with silence, so she took that as an invitation to continue speaking. “And I care about you two, and Sayori. But… Think about what this club means to each of you,” she urged. “It’s something special, right? I’m not trying to brag, or toot my own horn or anything, and stop me if I’m wrong, but I get the feeling this place is important to both of you, and you don’t want that to go away. Is that right?” Once again, silence greeted her at first, but eventually she coaxed a small nod out of Natsuki, followed by one from Yuri.

“This club is… It’s the only thing in this school that doesn’t completely suck,” Natsuki finally said, and Monika knew that was the closest thing she was going to get to any sort of praise. “I don’t need you ruining that.”

“As it is right now, the club is small and peaceful…” Yuri agreed. “We all know each other well. It feels more like… A small group of friends spending time together, and less like an actual club. Inviting new members could disturb that dynamic…”

“I understand what you both are saying,” Monika replied, reaching up to place one hand over Natsuki’s, and one hand over Yuri’s. “But, try to think of it this way: if we have a space here that makes you both feel that way, shouldn’t we be trying to share that with other people as well? There could be other students in this school who need a space like the Literature Club the same as any of us, and they’ll never find it if we don’t extend the invitation to them. This isn’t even a guarantee that anyone else will join,” she added on. “All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind to it, okay?”

The silence that met her after she was finished speaking was an improvement, Monika supposed. Maybe it didn’t seem great, but at least it was better than the outright rejection she had been getting previously. The irony of this whole situation still weighed heavily on her, though. Because she knew what Natsuki and Yuri hadn’t yet realized: their club would never gain any new members. There were no new members left to gain. The four of them were all there was. This entire argument was pointless, but she couldn’t just come out and tell them that.

“...Fine,” Natsuki eventually said, causing a wave of relief to wash over Monika. “But if we do get a new member and they turn out to be weird or something then we’re kicking them out.” Monika laughed softly, turning her gaze over towards Yuri.

“Does that work for you?”

“...I supposed.” Monika could still sense reluctance and hesitation, but that was alright. This would work. So, with a bright smile returning to her face, Monika stood back up straight, clapping her hands together.

“Perfect! In that case, will you do the honors, Sayori?”

“Right!” Sayori said, jumping back in alongside Monika. “If we wanna be ready for this festival we’ll need a lot of things! Decorations and informational pamphlets and snacks and everything, so we really make a good impression on people! Which is why…” She paused to build suspense there, and Monika filled the silence with a drumroll against her legs (they had put an embarrassing amount of time into practicing this). “We’re gonna have a work party at my house this weekend!”

“You can’t just put the word ‘party’ after the word ‘work’ and expect us not to notice that we’re doing chores.”

“But it will be a party!” Sayori insisted. “We’ll all hang out and do this stuff together, and we can have snacks of our own and listen to music and watch movies while we work! It’ll be a lot more fun than doing all of the preparation individually!”

“What do you all think?” Monika asked, hopeful tone searching for a positive answer. “It sounds fun, doesn’t it? I can’t remember the last time we all did something together outside of our club meetings. So who’s in?”

“Sayori!” Natsuki demanded rather suddenly. “How big is your kitchen?”

“Eh? It’s pretty big!”

“And how many ovens does it have?”

“Just one… Are there kitchens with more than one oven??”

“Yeah, but… I guess I can make do with this,” Natsuki sighed. “I’ll bring my own ingredients. And if any of you try to touch them without my permission you’ll be in trouble!” Satisfied with Natsuki’s answer, Monika then looked towards Yuri.

“And you?”

“Well… If everyone else is going to be there, I suppose I should be as well…”

“Perfect! In that case what do you say we all meet at Sayori’s house, around noon tomorrow?” Not hearing any objections, she decided those plans were finalized. “I’ll look forward to seeing you all there! And with that, I declare this meeting of the literature club adjourned!”

“You don’t have to be so dramatic about it,” Natsuki mumbled under her breath, standing up and starting to gather her belongings. Yuri began to do the same, which prompted Monika to share a glance with Sayori. The first part of their plan for the day had been taken care of, but now came the even more difficult portion. This wasn’t something either of them had been looking forward to, and she could see that written across Sayori’s face. They didn’t have a choice, though.

“Hey, Yuri!” Monika called out, placing a hand on her friend’s shoulder as she approached. Yuri had been preparing herself to leave the club room, and she seemed rather startled when Monika approached her like that. “Can Sayori and I talk to you for a minute?”

“Is everything alright?” Yuri replied, glancing back and forth at Sayori and Monika as Natsuki made her way out of the room for the day.

“Yeah, of course!” Monika promised. “We just wanted to have a little chat with you, about…”

“About what you can do for the festival!” Sayori chimed in. “Natsuki’s obviously gonna do her baking, so we wanna make sure you have something to do too!” Genuinely a bit impressed with how quickly Sayori was thinking on her feet, Monika nodded in agreement.

“That’s right! We were thinking maybe you could work on the decorations! Does that sound alright?”

“Well… I suppose so,” Yuri decided, giving Monika and Sayori a slow nod. “Ambiance is an important part of an event, after all. I think I could contribute nicely to that.”

“Great!” Monika replied, before letting her smile drop for a moment. This was when things stopped being pleasant, and she could practically feel Sayori’s eyes glued to her with anticipation. “Just… Don’t make it too depressing or anything, alright?” she added on, flashing Yuri a wink. The comment seemed to find its mark, Yuri’s own eyes going a little wider as she processed what Monika had just said.

“E-Excuse me?” she blurted out, while Monika just kept smiling.

“Oh! I just meant, like… You know,” Monika insisted, making some vague gestures with her hands as she spoke. “You’re really into all that dark, edgy kinda stuff. And there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s just not really the sort of atmosphere we want for the festival, you know? We don’t want people to feel bummed out.”

“My interests aren’t ‘dark’ or ‘edgy,’” Yuri replied, the initially shocked expression that had been on her face before now starting to deepen into a frown. “They’re-”

“I think what Monika is trying to say,” Sayori cut in, and even though she was playing the part Monika could see the reluctance on her face, “is that some of the stuff you like might kinda… scare people off! We want our club to seem warm and welcoming at the festival! And a lot of your poems are really… Sad.”

“They aren’t ‘sad’ either,” Yuri insisted. “They may not be as unapologetically cheerful as the things certain  _ other _ members of this club choose to write, but that doesn’t make them sad.”

“Okay, okay, we don’t have to call them sad,” Monika said. “We’re getting distracted anyway. The point Sayori and I are trying to make is just… We don’t want people getting the wrong idea about what the literature club is, you know? We don’t want them thinking we’re just a bunch of emo kids sitting around writing angsty poetry and cutting ourselves every day.” Actually saying that last part out loud to someone who was supposed to be her friend caused a pit of guilt to form in Monika’s stomach, but if the first hints of anger starting to creep onto Yuri’s face were any indication, it was working.

“Is- Is that how you see me?” Yuri demanded. “Is this what you think of me?”

“No, not at all!” Monika insisted, shaking her head. “We’re just saying that’s how  _ other _ people might see you. So… For these poetry pamphlets we’re putting together, maybe you could write something that’s a little happier, you know? Something that’ll appeal to more people.”

“You think my poems won’t appeal to people? You’re asking me to sacrifice what I enjoy just to create something more… More palatable for everyone else?”

“Not forever! But, I think Monika’s right,” Sayori chimed in again. “If you write the way you normally do it might scare a lot of people off! I still barely understand most of what you write anyway, and I’ve been reading it for a while now…”

“No!” Yuri snapped. “I refuse. I’m not going to write something I don’t actually believe in!”

“Just one poem!” Monika urged, starting to reach towards Yuri’s notebook. “Hell, maybe you even already have something that-”

“DON’T TOUCH THAT!” The sudden shout was enough to cut through the club room and catch Monika and Sayori off guard, although what was perhaps even more shocking was the crack that rang out immediately afterwards. Yuri had brought her hand down against Monika’s to smack it away from the notebook, putting enough force behind the gesture that Monika’s hand actually stung quite a bit. For a second or two everything was still, both Yuri and Monika frozen there with their hands still outstretched, staring silently at each other. Neither of them moved. Neither of them said anything.

And then the apologies started.

“I- I’m so sorry!” Yuri stammered out. “I- I don’t-!” Monika wasn’t going to let this moment slip past her, though. Before Yuri had the chance to get any further with her apologies Monika had leaned in, grabbing her friend by the shoulders.

“Why did you do that?” she demanded.

“I- I don’t know!” Yuri choked out. Monika could feel the other girl shaking under her grip, and it pained her so much to be doing this. Sayori was still standing off to the side, and Monika didn’t even have to look to know how uncomfortable she must have seemed at the moment. “You just- You were irritating me, and- and I started getting angry, and-”

“And that makes it okay for you to hit me?”

“N-No! Of course not!”

“Then why did you do it?” Monika repeated.

“I- I don’t know!” Yuri stammered out again. “I just started getting so angry, and- and then- I don’t know what came over me!” she insisted. “That wasn’t- It didn’t even feel like me!”

“How could it not be you? You were  _ obviously _ the one who just hit me.”

“It didn’t feel like me! It- It felt like someone else! Like- Like I wasn’t even in control! I’m s-sorry!”

“Sorry doesn’t change the fact that you hit me, Yuri!”

“W-Why are you doing this??” Yuri wailed out, burying her face into her hands and starting to yank at her hair. She squirmed in her seat, wanting to break free from the grip on her shoulders, but Monika didn’t have any intention of letting go. If anything, she was only squeezing even harder now.

“You said it didn’t feel like you, right?” she asked, starting to narrow in on her point. “Then who was it? If it wasn’t you, who made you hit me?”

“N-Nobody! It was me! Just-”

“No, it wasn’t,” Monika corrected. She was trying to keep her voice clam now, not wanting this to devolve into total chaos, but her tone carried a definite sternness with it all the same. The sudden contradiction and the shift in the mood surprised Yuri enough for her to look back up as well, hands hanging more loosely from her hair as she started back at Monika with tear-filled eyes. “ _ Who was it? _ ”

“I- I don’t know!” Yuri repeated, shaking her head. But Monika wouldn’t accept that answer.

“Yes, you do,” she insisted. “If it wasn’t you then it had to be someone else, right? So who was that someone else?”

“I told you, I don’t know! There- There was no someone else! It just- It felt that way!”

“It felt that way because it was that way! Focus, Yuri!” Monika urged. “Who’s making you get angry like this?”

“Y-You! By yelling at me!”

“Think bigger than that! Think deeper!”

“I d-don’t know what you want from me!” Yuri shrieked. “S-Stop yelling!”

“Yuri, please!” Monika realized far too late just how hard she was digging her fingers into Yuri’s shoulders by this point, and as she loosened her grip the rest of her posture slumped down as well. Suddenly, she felt like she was beating her head up against a wall. Provoking Yuri’s anger had put a crack in it, but it didn’t seem like she was getting anywhere past that. Yuri really didn’t seem to remember, and if that was the case, she wasn’t sure where else to go. She had hoped that this would be enough, but maybe… Maybe she had been overestimating herself. Maybe making Yuri remember wouldn’t be as easy as it had been with Sayori.

Maybe it wouldn’t be possible at all.

“Yuri…” Sayori spoke up for the first time in a while, and as she did both Monika and Yuri looked up towards her. She was wearing a smile on her face- sad, tired, clearly strained, but a smile all the same. Approaching the other two she reached down, placing a hand on Yuri’s shoulder. “This is gonna sound weird, but… There’s something you’re not remembering.”

“I… What are you talking about…?” Yuri replied, turning her attention up towards Sayori. Monika was watching her vice president somewhat intently now as well, curious to see where this was going. It seemed like such a simple and straightforward method that she was employing, but… Maybe there was something to be said for that. Not to mention, Sayori had already been through this herself. She knew what this was like. Maybe it had been foolish of Monika to overlook that.

“Well… A lot of somethings, actually,” Sayori replied, chuckling nervously. “Somethings that… Kinda happened? But kinda didn’t! It’s really complicated,” she admitted, scrunching her face up in frustration. “And you’ll probably think we’re crazy if we just try to explain it to you like it’s nothing. But just…  Hear us out before you decide that, okay?” Yuri was obviously still confused, and seemed to be growing increasingly concerned as well, but hesitantly, she gave Sayori a nod.

“O-Okay…” she replied. “Just… P-Please, explain…”

“Right,” Sayori said, nodding at Yuri. Then she paused for a moment, puffing out her cheeks as she tried to figure out the best way to go about beginning to explain everything that needed to be said. “There were… A lot of weird things that happened,” she started out. “And nobody other than Monika remembered any of it. I didn’t at first. But she helped me remember all of it, and now… We wanna help you get there too.” So far, it didn’t seem like this was going very well. Yuri’s expression only looked more confused and concerned, and vaguely irritated over how cryptic all of this was.

“What sorts of things?” she asked. “And… Why would only Monika be able to remember?”

“Because… She’s the club president,” Sayori replied, laughing awkwardly again. “I know, that sounds stupid, right? But it’s the truth! A lot of this stuff is gonna sound really really stupid, until we can prove to you that we’re not making this up.”

“Please, just… Tell me what’s going on here,” Yuri urged. “You’re… You’re starting to scare me.”

“Right,” Sayori sighed, taking a deep breath before deciding to jump right in. “Our entire world is fake and we’re just characters in a video game and nothing exists outside of this school and my house and a single street and you and me and Monika and Natsuki are the only people in the whole universe and at first Monika was the only one who was self-aware and there was a player that was supposed to come to the club and we were all supposed to fall in love with him and then Monika fell too hard and she started reprogramming the world and a bunch of us died and everything fell apart and got deleted but then somehow it got reset except the boy is gone and now it’s just the four of us and Monika already remembered all of this and now she’s trying to help the rest of us remember too and she told me and now we’re telling you yet and Natsuki still doesn’t know and you’re probably gonna think we’re crazy but I swear this is all true! Whew!”

After Sayori finished her verbal wall of text the room was entirely silent, save for Sayori herself, panting to catch her breath after squeezing every last bit of air out of her lungs to get all of those words out. Yuri seemed more stunned than anything, and Monika was curious, waiting to see what sort of a reaction she was about to get. In all of her planning and all of her contemplation over the best way to handle this situation, she had never once considered the direct approach. She was interested- if not nervous- to see how this went.

It took a few more seconds before Yuri spoke, the other girl still apparently taking a bit longer to process everything she had just heard. But when it did finally set in her expression soured, turning up her nose as she started to gather her belongings.

“I don’t find this amusing,” she muttered. “If this is this little prank is the reason you were yelling at me and grabbing me-”

“It’s not a prank,” Monika interrupted, returning to her stern expression. “I know it sounds crazy, but I promise, it’s not a prank. Think about what we were just talking about. About your anger, how it came out of nowhere, how it felt like someone else. If you’re not going to listen to us, how do you explain that?” Yuri seemed to tense as she realized that Monika had a point in that regard: even if she wrote off everything Sayori had just said and told herself it couldn’t possibly be real, it still left her with an unanswered question regarding those feelings. And while her outbursts alone didn’t prove Sayori’s claims, they suggested that there was something strange going on.

“I- I’m still not sure,” she admitted. “But if you really expect me to start believing this crazy story just because of that…”

“It was my fault,” Monika said. She reached out to place her hands on Yuri’s shoulders, albeit far more gently this time, looking her friend dead in the eyes again. “I found… Ways to alter our world,” she tried to explain. “And to alter  _ you _ . And I did. And now, even though everything is supposed to be back to the way it was… I think some of those things stuck.”

“You can’t just alter other people!” Yuri insisted. “You’re expecting me to believe in- in what, magic? You must realize how ridiculous this all sounds!”  
“It does sound ridiculous,” Sayori agreed. “Because it _is_ ridiculous. But it’s still the truth…”

“Simply saying that it’s the truth over and over again doesn’t make it so.”

“...You’re right,” Monika agreed, standing back up straight rather suddenly as a fresh new idea came to mind. “Say, Yuri. Why don’t we take a walk?”


	10. 404

“Why did you want me to come out here?”

“You were about to go home anyway, weren’t you? So go ahead. We won’t get in your way.” Yuri gave Monika a skeptical look as they stood near the gates to the school, clearly still confused by this entire situation.

“You’re sending me home?” she eventually asked. “You’re really going to say everything you just said and then send me home like none of that even happened?”

“Will you please just trust me on this, Yuri?” Monika asked. “Please. Just… Start walking home.” She was taking another gamble here, and she knew it. But she was starting to run out of options, and this was the only thing she could think of right now. Meanwhile Sayori was standing off to Monika’s side, watching this situation unfold, clearly uneasy with it.

“...Fine,” Yuri eventually replied. It was obvious that she still didn’t understand what Monika wanted from her, and she didn’t appreciate this treatment either. But if this would finally put to rest whatever issue Monika was trying to push, she was willing to put up with it. Giving Monika one last sour look she turned around to face the street stretching out in front of them, starting to take a few steps forward.

“Monika…” Sayori whispered softly, scooting a little bit closer to her friend. “This feels…”

“I know,” Monika agreed. She nodded, although her eyes were still staring straight ahead, locked onto Yuri as the taller girl proceeded down the street. “I don’t like it either. But I think we’re out of options.”

“We could’ve waited until we figured something else out. Or-”

“You know we don’t have that sort of time.” Sayori couldn’t say she was happy with that answer, but she couldn’t find anything else to say either. So, in silence, she pulled her eyes away from Monika and started watching Yuri as well, staring at her as she continued down the street. One step after another, father and father, until suddenly-

She stopped.

All at once Yuri had frozen in her tracks. She wasn’t walking forward anymore, and instead that motion had been replaced with frantic looks around in every direction. As if she were searching for something, and was very distressed to realize she couldn’t find it.

“Is something wrong?” Monika called out, starting to stroll towards where Yuri had stopped. Her hands were behind her back, and she was moving along at a leisurely pace, seeming entirely too casual about this for Sayori’s liking. It made her stomach twist.

“W-Where is it?” Yuri stammered out, frantically continuing to look up and down the street, eyes darting between every identical house. “Where did it go??”

“Where did what go?” Monika asked, tilting her head to the side. She was playing dumb now, but really, this was precisely the reaction she had been searching for.

“The street!” As Yuri shouted that her arm whipped out, finger jabbing itself towards one of the houses that created a near-solid wall along either end of the road they were standing on. “It’s- It’s supposed to be right there! Where is it??” Apparently Yuri was finally starting to notice what Monika had known for quite some time now: there was no other street. There never had been. Their entire world was just this one road, with nothing else connecting to it, and Yuri would never be able to make it home, because home didn’t exist. Monika wasn’t totally sure what had happened to Yuri every time she had thought she had been going home in the past, but if a little bit of poking around in the code of their world had been anything to go off of, it seemed like whenever she wasn’t at school, she simply didn’t exist.

That was the sort of haunting thing she tried her hardest not to think about.

“This is what we’ve been trying to tell you,” Monika said, finally coming to a stop a few feet in front of Yuri. “There is no other street.”

“Y-Yes, there is!” Yuri shot back. “There- It’s always been there! It’s always been right there! That’s how I’ve gotten to and from school every single day! What happened to it??”

“It never existed, Yuri. It’s not real. Nothing outside of this single street is real. Those memories are all fake.”

“It’s- That’s not- this is a dream,” Yuri suddenly decided. That made sense to her, and she started nodding, trying to convince herself it was the truth. It was the only thing that seemed logical at this point. “I’m dreaming, and- and I just need to wake up, and-”

“You’re not dreaming. This is all real,” Monika insisted. “And the sooner you can accept that the sooner I-  _ we _ ,” she corrected, “can start to help you deal with it. But you need to accept this first, okay?”

“It’s not!” Yuri kept repeating. “I’m d-dreaming or hallucinating o-or-”

“No, you aren’t! Won’t you listen to me? This is-”

“Monika.” Just as frustration started to creep into her word she found herself interrupted by the feeling of a hand on her shoulder, and as she looked backwards she saw that Sayori had followed her over. The other girl was wearing a stern look on her face now, and without saying anything else she walked past Monika, coming to stand between her and Yuri.

“Hey, Yuri, take some deep breaths, okay?” As she spoke Sayori reached out to try to take hold of Yuri’s hands, but the other girl already seemed deep enough into her panic that she immediately pulled away. Sayori took that hint, immediately letting up on her own grip and putting any other attempts at physical contact on hold for the time being.

“This isn’t real,” Yuri kept muttering under her breath. “I just- I just need to wake up- I just-”

“Yuri, please listen to me,” Sayori urged. Yuri had, in her distress, hunched over slightly, hands now starting to grab at her own hair once again. She was staring down at the ground, and Sayori crouched at the knees to bring herself into Yuri’s line of vision.

“Focus on breathing, okay? I know you’re freaking out right now. I know this all feels really, really weird, and you can’t process it, and you don’t wanna accept any of it. I know what this is like. But making yourself panic won’t make it any better, okay? So just focus on your breathing, and try to calm down a little, and then we can talk about all of this.”

“H-How…” Yuri choked out. “How- How can this-”

“Shhhh. Deep breaths, alright? Can you do that for me? I’ll do them too, if that helps. Breathe in,” Sayori instructed, before pausing to inhale deeply. Yuri’s own breath was shaky and shallow, but Sayori could at least hear that she was going along with this now. “And out.” A deep exhale of her own, and another uneasy breath from Yuri. “Good, that’s good! Now let’s keep doing this, alright? In, and out. Iiiin, and out.”

As Sayori went through these exercises with Yuri, Monika continued to watch from a few steps back, emerald green eyes flicking back and forth between the other two girls. At first she had been curious to see how this was going to play out, but if she was being honest with herself, she hadn’t expected Sayori’s attempt to be nearly so successful as it was proving to be. The longer she watched the more it became clear that, even if Yuri was still shaken and distraught, she was coming down from that state of overwhelming panic she had initially been in. Monika’s mouth twisted up slightly as she watched the breathing become more steady, the shaking subside, watched Sayori eventually reach out to take Yuri’s hands again. And this time, Yuri let her.

“Are you feeling any better now?” Sayori asked, giving Yuri’s hands a small, comforting squeeze.”

“I- I don’t know…” Yuri replied. Actions spoke louder than words, though, and the fact that she was no longer shouting and pulling her hair out was a clear indication that at least some progress had been made. “I still… I don’t… Understand.”

“Yeah,” Sayori agreed. “I don’t really understand either. But… I think Monika gets it better than I do. She can explain it. Right, Monika?” After she asked that Sayori looked back over her shoulder, finding Monika still standing there, staring at the two of them in silence, with a mostly blank expression on her face. It took a second before her smile returned and she stepped forward, nodding along to Sayori’s question.

“Right! I know this probably all feels pretty confusing right about now, but I think I’ve got a pretty solid grasp on what this world is and how it works by now. I don’t think this is really the best place to have a conversation like this, though,” she added on, taking a second to glance at their surroundings. “I mean, it’s not like we have to worry about anyone overhearing us,” she said, letting out a bitter laugh. “But it’s not really the most comfortable, you know? Why don’t we bring her inside, Sayori?” Monika asked, looking towards her vice president. Sayori looked up at Monika, then back towards Yuri, nodding in agreement.

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. C’mon, we’ll take you to my place and you can sit down and we’ll get you something to eat. It’ll make you feel a lot better!”

“A-Alright…” Yuri replied shakily. She was still holding onto Sayori’s hand, and she didn’t let go as the other girl started to lead her back towards the house. The two of them walked ahead, and Monika simply stayed where she was for a few seconds before beginning to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been paying attention to the chapter count you might notice that I just raised it from 12 to 13. I had an initial outline before I started this fic, but as I've been writing I've strayed a little bit from those plans, and I've hit a point where I think an extra chapter is necessary to round things out without any of the chapters ending up overloaded.


	11. data hierarchy

Monika sat at the foot of Sayori’s bed, head tilted backwards, leaning against the edge of the mattress as she stared up at the ceiling. She wasn’t sure exactly how long she had been there- a couple minutes, probably- when she heard the door to the room open again. Looking over towards it, she watched Sayori come inside.

“Is she asleep?”

“I think so, yeah,” Sayori replied, quietly shutting the door behind herself. “I got her set up on the couch with some blankets and pillows. She’ll probably crash pretty hard after how badly she was freaking out earlier.”

“Well, I guess that’s good,” Monika mused. “She deserves some rest.” While she was speaking Sayori was busy dragging herself across the room, heading straight for her own bed before collapsing face-first onto it, letting out a loud groan in the process. Monika laughed softly, picking herself up off the floor and moving to the edge of the mattress instead. She reached a hand out, putting it on Sayori’s back and rubbing gently as she spoke. “It seems like you do too,” she added on.

“This is exhausting,” Sayori grumbled into the sheets. “And I feel so bad for Yuri…”

“I do too,” Monika agreed. “But you handled her really well today. Like…  _ Really  _ well.” There was a small pause after Monika said that before Sayori lifted her head, although as she did so she found that Monika wasn’t even looking at her. The other girl seemed to be staring off towards the wall instead, a distant expression on her face. Sayori frowned, the vaguest feeling of discomfort stirring inside her stomach.

“What do you mean…?” she cautiously asked.

“The way you handled her today, when she was panicking,” Monika replied, eyes still staying locked onto nothing in particular. “You managed to help her calm down even when I wasn’t able to. It was impressive.” That should have been easy to take as a compliment, and Sayori forced herself to laugh softly in response to it, but something about the way Monika was talking still put her just a little bit on edge. Somehow, this didn’t really feel like praise.

“It wasn’t anything, really,” she tried to insist. “I guess it was just easier for me to relate, since I knew what it felt like to go through what she was going through, you know?”

“Right,” Monika agreed, nodding slowly. “That’s something you’ve both experienced that I never went through in the same way. I imagine it’ll be the same way with Natsuki, too. When that time comes, you’ll probably be more useful to her than I will.”

“Monika…?” It was only once she heard her own name that Monika actually looked down towards Sayori, meeting her eyes for the first time in the conversation. Her expression stayed blank for another moment before she was suddenly beaming, as if she had only just realized that she had been forgetting to smile that entire time.

“It’s a good thing we have you with us!” she laughed. “I’m not sure how I would handle this on my own. Anyway, we probably shouldn’t stay up much later ourselves,” she decided, starting to move back towards the edge of the bed. “We’re gonna have a busy day tomorrow, so we should probably-”

“Wait!” Hearing Sayori blurt that out startled Monika, and as she looked back over her shoulder she found that the other girl was suddenly upright again, crouched on her knees, leaning in towards her ever so slightly. “Are you… Are you jealous?” The question caused Monika to blink a few times, mouth hanging slightly open for a moment before the smile returned to her face again.

“What would I have to be jealous of?”

“I… I’m not really sure,” Sayori admitted. “Just, that… You were trying so hard to get through to Yuri today. You had everything planned out ahead of time, and you thought you knew how it would go, and instead… Instead nothing went the way you wanted it to, and I was the one who ended up helping her and calming her down…” As Sayori spoke her head gradually lowered until she wasn’t meeting Monika’s gaze any longer, and her hands had ended up pressed into the sheets, gripping onto them tightly. “If I… If I made you upset, by doing that, or by talking to her that way…”

“Sayori…” Monika started to move back towards her friend on the bed, although by this point Sayori’s mind was already running away with itself. Once it got started on one of these tirades, it was frustratingly difficult to get it to stop.

“She just… She seemed so upset, and so scared,” Sayori went on, voice starting to crack as she continued to speak. “And I remembered what it felt like to feel that way and I didn’t want her to have to feel that way too! And then, you started getting frustrated, and yelling at her, and- and I know I should have trusted you! I know you knew what you were doing and I should have let you do it and I shouldn’t have tried to get in the way or told myself that I knew better than you but I just-!”

“Sayori.” She was interrupted from saying anything else by the feeling of arms wrapping themselves around her, pulling her into a tight hug. “Take your own advice. Breathe.” It was only once Monika said those words that Sayori realized she had started breathing a little bit too quickly. She also noticed that her hands were shaking as they gripped onto the sheets, and that tears were starting to spill over in her eyes and run down her cheeks.

“I- I’m s-sorry,” she choked out. “I didn’t mean to g-get-”

“No, I’m sorry,” Monika interrupted. “You were right to do what you did today. I guess, looking back on it… Cornering Yuri and shouting in her face until she realized what was happening wasn’t the best plan,” she admitted. “You… You handled it a lot better than I did.”

“Then… Then why did you get… So…”

“Because you were right,” Monika replied. “I guess… I guess I am kind of jealous,” she confessed, laughing uneasily as she said those words. “Jealous that your plan worked better than mine. And… Jealous that you understand Yuri so much better than I seem to.” When she heard Monika say that Sayori lifted her head again, looking up at her friend with tear-stained eyes.

“That’s- That’s not true!” she insisted, frantically starting to shake her head. “It’s just this one thing! But outside of this, you probably know her a lot better than me! You two are-”

“It’s alright,” Monika cut in again. “It’s.. It’s okay. I guess I got so used to knowing everything about everyone that it’s a little freaky to realize that isn’t the case anymore. But I can be okay with this.” Sayori was silent for another moment before she leaned forward, burying her face into Monika’s shoulder and finally bringing her arms up to cling to the other girl tightly.

“You’re still our club president…” she mumbled out, voice a little bit muffled now. “And I don’t know what any of us would do without you…”

“Well, a president is no good without her club members,” Monika replied, cracking a small smile as she rubbed at Sayori’s back. “And I couldn’t ask for better club members than the three of you. But… Maybe it’s time to stop thinking of me that way.”

“...Huh?” Sayori grunted out, lifting her head just high enough for Monika to see her eyes again.

“What I mean is… I don’t think I’m special anymore. Or maybe it’s not good for me to think I’m special. It’s sort of messy,” she chuckled. “But what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think there’s any point in calling me the club president anymore. I’m not really any different from the rest of you.”

“But you’re the one that started this club!” Sayori protested.

“Maybe,” Monika agreed. “And we could probably get into some whole long debate about whether I really did, or whether all my memories of that are just implanted and never actually happened, or if there’s even any meaningful difference between those two things because maybe reality is just a consensus of perception anyway. But that’s not the point I’m trying to emphasize. The point is that now that it’s just the four of us… I want us all to be equal. I want us all on the same footing, and I don’t want the rest of you looking at me differently or holding me in a different regard just because I’m president. My thoughts and opinions should only hold as much weight as yours, or Yuri’s, or Natsuki’s. They shouldn’t be put up on a pedestal because I’m seen as the leader.”

“And… You’re sure you’re alright with that?” Sayori asked softly.

“Not really,” Monika laughed. “If I’m being totally honest the thought of giving up this sort of power makes me freak out a little bit and makes me want to cling to it even more tightly. But I think that alone is enough proof that I shouldn’t be trusted with something like this in the first place. So no more of this ‘club president’ nonsense, alright?” she asked Sayori. “From now I’m just ‘Monika.’”

“Okay…” Sayori agreed, although she still seemed a little skeptical of the decision. And then, a question popped into her head. “Hey… If you’re not the president anymore, does that mean I get promoted??”

“Sayori,” Monika laughed. “Missing the point a little bit there, don’t you think?”

“I know, I know,” Sayori grumbled, puffing her cheeks out as she slumped back down. “But I can hope.”


	12. memory leak

On the surface, Sayori’s house almost managed to look like it was ready for a party. The living room had been stocked full of construction paper and banners and markers in preparation for the decorations they were supposed to be making for the school festival, along with smaller pieces of paper they could use to make the poetry booklets they were planning. The kitchen had been cleaned up and some baking equipment had been laid out across the countertops, ready for Natsuki to show up with her own ingredients (as promised) so she could get right down to baking. Monika had even turned on the TV and queued up a movie, in case any of them wanted some background noise while they worked. Overall, they had put quite a bit of effort into making sure the entire day would be fun and festive.

So why did everything still feel so ominous?

The three of them already knew the answer to that question, of course: it was ominous because they knew enough to see past the facade they themselves had worked so hard to create, and to know what this really was. This wasn’t a party. There was no school festival to prepare for. And the day wouldn’t end with the four of them going back to their homes after they finished with their work. There was something much heavier on their horizon. Perhaps it was excessive to go through this much effort for the sole purpose of tricking Natsuki for a little bit longer, but they had all agreed it was for the best. Better to keep things normal and slowly ease her into reality than to jump down her throat the moment she arrived.

“How are you all feeling?” Monika asked, looking back and forth between Yuri and Sayori. They didn’t even need to say anything for her to have an answer, though- the tension of the situation was already written across their faces.

“Nervous,” Sayori replied, seeing no reason to hide it. “But… A little excited too, I guess? Is that weird?”

“I don’t think so,” Monika said, shaking her head. “There are a lot of reasons to be excited! Because after this…” Well, she honestly didn’t know what would happen after this. But she at least knew that whatever it was, it was something Natsuki would be going through with them. For the first time in as long as she could remember, it would actually feel like they had their whole club back together again.

“And you’re positive this will work?” Yuri spoke up, looking towards Monika with an equally apprehensive expression on her face.

“Yup! Because I didn’t come up with this plan by myself! I had the two of you to help me. And I know I can count on you guys.” Yuri seemed to have nothing to say in response to that, although her expression as she looked back down towards her lap probably still said more than words ever could: she didn’t seem to believe in herself nearly as much as Monika did. Faith or not, though, she wouldn’t be left with much time to question herself. Just a few seconds after Monika had finished speaking the doorbell rang, presumably signaling Natsuki’s arrival. It occurred to Monika, in that moment, that she didn’t even have to wonder who was at the door, because it literally couldn’t have been anyone else. But she tried not to dwell on that.

“Okay, everyone, look alive!” she hummed, pivoting towards the entryway. “We’ve got a party to throw!” Yuri still seemed to have some hesitation, but Sayori was at least able to put on that fake smile that was, unfortunately, all too practiced by this point.

“Alright! Let’s do our best!”

As Monika walked to the front door and tossed it open she saw Natsuki standing there, carrying with her two grocery bags that looked like they must have weighed nearly as much as she did. She had an irritated look on her face, presumably from having to carry them all the way to Sayori’s house. Then again, irritation seemed to be something of a default expression with her. Either way, Monika was already reaching out to try to help with one of them.

“Good to see you, Natsuki!” she hummed. “Let me take one of those!”  
“Thanks,” Natsuki mumbled back, allowing Monika to remove the bag from her grip.

“Come on in! Everyone else is already here!” Monika stepped the rest of the way into the house, carrying the hefty collection of baking ingredients over towards the counter while Natsuki followed. Sayori was already on her feet as well, bounding across the living room towards the other two girls.

“Natsuki!” she called out. “We’re glad you’re here!” She went in for a hug, and Natsuki did her best to fend the slightly taller girl off with one arm while still holding onto her groceries with the other.

“I have eggs in here! Don’t make me break them!” Monika simply laughed as she watched the little scene unfold in front of her, gradually starting to unpack the contents of Natsuki’s bags. She was glad to see that Sayori was at least managing to feign normalcy, and eventually Yuri even got up and joined them as well. It was clear, to Monika’s eyes, that Yuri was still tense and nervous about this whole situation, but she supposed that was alright. Yuri had always been the most quiet and shy out of their group anyway, so it probably wouldn’t strike anyone else as particularly odd to see her acting this way now. She let the other three girls chatter amongst themselves for another or minute or two while she finished setting everything up, at which point she finally called out for their attention.

“Alright! I think everyone knows what they’re doing at this point, but just to reiterate: Sayori, you’re in charge of the poetry pamphlets! Yuri, you’ll be responsible for decorations. And Natsuki, obviously you’re our resident baker. I’ll float around to help everyone with whatever they need, but I think I’ll start here with Natsuki, in the kitchen. Does that sound good to everyone?” She was met with three affirmative responses, some of them more enthusiastic than others. “Great! Then let’s get started!”

Making sure she got to spend a little bit of time alone with Natsuki was, of course, all a very important part of Monika’s plan, if not a somewhat conflicted one. Because all this time, she had been sitting on a secret. A secret that, to the best of her knowledge, Natsuki hadn’t trusted anyone else with. And that put Monika in a little bit of a bind. She had promised to Sayori last night that the four of them would all be equal from here on out, that she would no longer fashion herself as the club president or the leader of these plans, but how was she supposed to hold herself to that when she knew something neither of the other two girls conspiring with her did? And sure, she could just go ahead and tell them, but Monika felt like outing Natsuki was probably an even worse thing to do. The exact sort of ‘It’s okay because I know what’s best for everyone in the end’ mentality she might have displayed not that long ago. But she wanted to think she was better than that now. So at least for the first part of this plan, she wanted to talk to Natsuki alone.

As they split up, Sayori and Yuri moved off into the living room, putting themselves a comfortable distance away. Far enough that Monika and Natsuki could have their own relatively private conversation, while still being close enough that they could easily pop their heads in if Monika called for them. Monika watched Natsuki start to sort through the ingredients, although she remembered Natsuki’s warning about touching anything very vividly, so she elected not to involve herself until she was given explicit instruction to do so.

“So what are we making today?” Monika asked, standing a foot or so behind Natsuki as she let the other girl work.

“Cupcakes,” Natsuki replied. “I had this idea where we could write different words on top of each one in the icing. And then people can mix them around to make little poems and stuff. Kind of like with those fridge magnets.”

“That’s a great idea, Natsuki!” Monika declared. “Super creative! Just make sure you don’t sneak anything inappropriate onto any of them, alright?” she added on, flashing a little wink at the other girl.

“I wouldn’t do that!” Natsuki huffed defensively. “If anything you should be worrying that Yuri would write something weird on one of them,” she added on, muttering the last part under her breath. Monika laughed softly, although she was glad that Yuri wasn’t around to overhear that.

“It’s not nice to say things like that when she’s not here,” Monika pointed out, though her tone lacked any sense of genuine annoyance. Natsuki just seemed to deflate a little bit upon being called out all the same, and so Monika forced a smile to her face, stepping forward to be a bit closer to the other girl. She was searching for an appropriate transition into what she actually wanted to talk to Natsuki about, and while this didn’t feel like the most graceful way to move the conversation along, she supposed she would take what she could get at this point.

“Say…” she started off, walking up until she was standing just beside Natsuki. “While it’s just the two of us, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.” Monika could see Natsuki tense as soon as she asked that, and it made her feel a little bad for even bringing the topic up at all. Hopefully, though, she would still be able to steer this conversation in a positive direction.

“...Alright,” Natsuki eventually grunted out, although she was making her hesitance clear. “What is it?”

“It’s about… What we talked about at the club the other day. And the poem that you showed me.” Once again, those words caused Natsuki to stiffen, and once again, Monika felt sort of bad for her.

“What about it? It’s not something we need to talk about.”

“But that’s just it,” Monika insisted. “Maybe we don’t  _ need _ to talk about it, especially if you don’t want to. But… I’d at least like you to know that if you  _ do  _ want to talk about it you  _ can _ , you know? I don’t want you to feel like it’s something you need to keep secret, or stay quiet about. Around me, or around the others.”

“Part of the reason I didn’t wanna tell you is because I knew you would make a big deal out of it.” That was a slightly harsh way of putting it, although Monika supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised by that. Natsuki had always been this blunt, after all. Still, she looked startled for a brief moment before she was able to make herself smile again, stepping a little closer.

“Sorry if you don’t like being in the spotlight like this, Natsuki,” Monika replied, laughing a little bit. “I guess I just got a bit excited.”

“...Excited?” Natsuki repeated, and Monika could see the way her brow scrunched up when she heard that.

“Yeah! I’ve never really told anyone this, but…” Monika trailed off there, glancing around the kitchen to make sure that Sayori and Yuri were really still back in the other room. After confirming that she and Natsuki were actually alone she leaned back in again, dropping her voice down to an even lower volume than it had been at before. “I had a pretty big crush on a girl once.”

The reaction that earned her was instantaneous. Up until now Natsuki had mostly been avoiding eye contact, just glancing at Monika out of the corner of her vision as the two of them spoke. As soon as she heard that, though, she was twisting her head around, looking at Monika dead-on as her eyes went a little bit wider. She seemed stunned into speechlessness for a few seconds, until she eventually found the words she was looking for.

“You did?”

“Mhmm!” Monika replied, nodding cheerfully. She felt a little bad for saying something like that when it wasn’t technically true- she’d been in love with  _ someone _ . She didn’t know whether they were a girl, or a boy, or neither. But the fact that it had never mattered to her in the first place probably said just as much. “So even if you’re still not comfortable talking about this with the others… I hope you can at least feel comfortable talking about it with me, alright?”

“...Alright,” Natsuki eventually said quietly, before following it up with an even softer “Thanks.”

“Of course! And hey,” Monika added on, grinning playfully as she tossed an arm around Natsuki’s shoulders. “If you ever feel like sitting around and talking about cute girls with someone-”

“Gross! Don’t make it weird!” Natsuki huffed, immediately squirming about as she tried to shake herself free from Monika’s grip. Monika simply laughed, letting her hand slip back down as she stepped away again. As her laughter died down, though, she adopted a more serious expression, mentally preparing herself to segue into the next portion of her plan.

“By the way… I hope you know that doesn’t just apply to this,” she said. “You can always come talk to me about  _ anything _ that’s on your mind, alright?” Just like before, those words seemed to cause Natsuki some amount of concern, and she tensed up again as she heard Monika say them. Suddenly her focus was back on the ingredients in front of her, almost like she was trying to pretend Monika wasn’t even there.

“Yeah, I know that,” she muttered out. “You’ve already said that a bunch.”

“I guess I keep repeating it because… There’s still something I’ve been hoping you’ll talk to me about that you haven’t yet.” Natsuki went even stiffer then, and she set about opening up the packages for several of her baking supplies, just so she would have something else to distract herself with.

“What are you talking about?”

“I would never try to pry into your private matters,” Monika promised. “And if there was ever anything you really didn’t want to talk to me about just because you didn’t want to talk about it I would respect that. But… There’s a difference between prying and being worried about your safety.” The moment she heard that Natsuki’s blood ran cold, and Monika could see her grip on the package of sugar she was holding tighten until her knuckles were practically white.

“Why would you need to worry about-”

“Natsuki. Let’s stop pretending, alright?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” This much resistance was to be expected, but Monika had come prepared for it. Once again, she felt a little bit bad for doing this. But she had discussed this plan with everyone, and they had all agreed to it. That was at least a small reassurance that she was really doing what was right this time around.

“I’ve noticed… Signs, Natsuki. Signs that worry me.”

“You haven’t noticed anything,” Natsuki tried to insist. “You’re just making stuff up in your head.”

“Am I? Is that why sometimes you’ll get so hungry in the club room that you’ll keep drifting off until someone throws you a snack? Or why you hide your manga in the closet, instead of taking it home with you? Why you get jumpy any time someone touches you when you’re not expecting it?”

“Those are just coincidences! You’re reading too much into it!”

“Then what about the poems you’ve written, Natsuki? The ones about your father?”

“Not every poem I write has to be real!” Despite her continued denial, though, Monika could tell that Natsuki was starting to get a little bit desperate.

“I think they do mean something,” Monika insisted. “And I think that, even though you’re trying to argue with me about this… You sort of hoped that someone would bring it up,” she added on. “You wanted to tell someone about this, but you didn’t know how. So you wrote poems about it, and you hoped someone would finally notice and be the one to start the conversation so you wouldn’t have to. The same way you did with the spiders. Does that sound about right…?” After she said that there was a long pause- long enough that Monika almost wondered if Natsuki was going to react at all. She didn’t want to keep relentlessly bearing down on her friend if Natsuki wasn’t saying anything, though, so she stayed there for as long as it took for the other girl to eventually speak.

“Whatever you’re thinking… It’s not as bad as you’re probably imagining it,” Natsuki finally said. “So just-”

“ _ Anything  _ is bad, Natsuki,” Monika interrupted. She took a step towards her friend again, although she was sure to be slow about it this time. The last thing she wanted to do was startle her while having a conversation like this. “Whatever he’s doing to you…”

“It’s nothing.”

“If it was nothing you wouldn’t be trying to talk about it like this,” Monika pointed out. “Please… Let me help you with this,” she begged, very slowly reaching her hand up to place it at Natsuki’s shoulder. Natsuki allowed her to do so, crossing her arms tightly over her chest, almost as if she were hugging herself. She looked away, not wanting to meet Monika’s gaze as they had this conversation.

“It’s not like there’s gonna be anything you can do about it anyway…”

“There might,” Monika stressed. “I know this is… A difficult thing to talk about. But please, try…”

“He just… We don’t have a lot of money,” Natsuki mumbled. “He doesn’t always buy food. He’s not even home most of the time. But then when he is, he… He gets angry a lot,” she said, deciding to let that speak for itself. Monika simply listened with a frown on her face as Natsuki talked about it- none of it was a surprise to her, of course, and she’d already known all of this for a fact anyway. She even had a sense she was being spared some of the worst details. But that didn’t make it any easier for her to listen to Natsuki talk about it. Even knowing that it wasn’t real didn’t lessen the weight of it. Because it was still real to Natsuki. And it just left Monika with a twisting anger towards whoever had done this to her in the first place.

“Natsuki…” she said, when it was clear the other girl was done speaking. She hesitated briefly before raising her arms, reaching them out towards her friend. “Is it alright if I hug you?” Natsuki looked back up towards Monika before nodding, and Monika stepped forward, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl. Natsuki’s posture remained somehow stiff and limp at the same time, and she didn’t return the gesture with nearly the same amount of energy, but she at least raised her arms a little bit, letting them hang loosely off Monika’s back. She pushed her cheek to Monika’s shoulder, and didn’t say anything else as the two of them stood there. It wasn’t until Monika spoke again that the silence was broken.

“Hey… Natsuki?”

“...Yeah?”

“Um… What’s your father’s name?” Natsuki didn’t quite answer immediately. There was a small pause, and then Monika felt the other girl pushing back against her, prying herself free from the hug. Monika let her do so, and as Natsuki stepped back, Monika could see a concerned, perplexed look on her face.

“I… Why does that matter?” she demanded. It mattered a lot, actually, but Monika couldn’t yet explain to Natsuki why that was.

“I’m not really sure,” she replied, laughing awkwardly. “It just popped into my head, I guess.” Judging from her expression, though, Natsuki seemed more disturbed by that question than she should have been.

“It’s… It’s not important,” Natsuki ended up saying, simply shaking her head in response. And Monika had a feeling she knew precisely why Natsuki was dodging the question, although she was still trying her best to play dumb.

“Well, if you can’t tell me his name… Can you at least tell me a little bit more about him?” Monika prompted. “Like, what he looks like?”

“I… Why are you asking me all of this??” Natsuki snapped, suddenly getting just a touch more aggressive than she normally would have. An indication to Monika that this was going the way she wanted it to.

“Can you tell me  _ anything _ about him, Natsuki? Anything other than… What you’ve already told me?” Monika urged.

“I…” Natsuki started to say something, and it looked like she had a thought on the tip of her tongue. But before it was able to go any further she was, rather abruptly, hunching over, wincing as a hand shot up to her forehead, muttering out curses under her breath.

“Natsuki!” Monika blurted out, unprepared for that sudden response. She started to reach a hand out, making it halfway to her friend before realizing that might not be such a good idea. Instead her hand hovered where it was, not quite making contact with the other girl. “Are- Are you okay??”

“Y-Yeah,” Natsuki grunted back, still speaking through her teeth. “I’m fine. I just got this… This really sharp headache out of nowhere.” Monika started to grow more concerned, eyes moving between Natsuki and the living room, where Yuri and Sayori were still sitting, working on their respective projects. Now seemed like as good a time as any to bring them both in as well.

“Why don’t we go sit down for a moment?” Monika urged. “See if it passes.” Natsuki nodded in agreement, and while Monika offered an arm out for support, the other girl ended up ignoring it, simply dragging herself back towards the living room on her own two feet. Monika sighed a little bit, but if anything, she supposed Natsuki’s continued stubbornness was a sign she wasn’t  _ too  _ shaken up.

As they walked into the living room Sayori and Yuri looked like they were hard at work- which actually surprised Monika a bit. Both of the girls knew full well that there wasn’t a festival to prepare for, and yet here they were readying pamphlets and banners as if they would ever get used for anything. Monika couldn’t tell whether that was because they were just that dedicated to the ruse or because they had gotten caught up in the moment, but either way, there was something oddly charming about it. Natsuki moved right to the couch once she was in the living room, sitting down on the edge of it while Sayori and Yuri both looked up.

“Is everything okay?” Sayori asked, prompting Monika to nod.

“Yeah. Natsuki’s just not feeling well.” On the surface those words sounded entirely innocent and harmless, but the knowing look with which they were shared hinted at what Monika really meant by them. And if the looks on Sayori and Yuri’s own faces when they heard that were anything to go off of, it seemed like they were also well aware of the true meaning. But Monika wasn’t going to dwell on that for long enough to risk Natsuki noticing.

“Anyway!” she went on, starting to walk into the center of the room so she could get a look at what the other girls were creating. “How’s everything coming along in here?”

“Great!” Sayori replied. “I already got a whole bunch of pamphlets done!”

“Pamphlets we likely won’t be able to use,” Yuri interjected. “She got ahead of herself and started writing the names of our classmates on the cover of each booklet. I had to point out that there’s no guarantee any of the people she’s prepared books for so far will even come by our room during the festival.”

“I just got really excited…” Sayori whined apologetically. Monika, meanwhile, could barely keep the grin off her face. Sayori seemed to be one step ahead of her this time around- Monika hadn’t told her to do this, but the idea was actually pretty damn brilliant, now that she thought about it. She would have to make sure to give Sayori the credit she deserved after this was all over.

“Let’s see what we’ve got so far,” Monika said, leaning down to scoop one of the pamphlets off the finished pile. “‘Nakamura.’ Isn’t that the boy from your homeroom class?” Monika asked, letting a playful smirk appear on her face as she looked back at Sayori over the top of the pamphlet. “Of course you would be hoping he comes by.”

“H-Hey! It’s nothing like that!” Sayori protested, frantically waving her arms around in front of her. “He was just the first person I thought of!”

“I bet he was!” Monika giggled, winking at Sayori before she moved onto the next pamphlet. “And then we’ve got… Oh, Tanaka! She’s in a few of your classes, isn’t she, Yuri?” Yuri seemed surprised to be put on the spot like that, but after that initial split second of shock wore off she nodded slowly, starting to play along.

“Y-Yes, she is,” Yuri agreed.

“You should try to convince her to come by if you see her around then!”

“I’ll be sure to do that if I, ah… Run into her.”

“What about you, Natsuki?” Monika then asked, turning her attention back towards the girl on the couch. “Do you know anyone who-” She didn’t finish getting through that question, though, and her words trailed off when she actually looked over towards her friend. Natsuki was still looking at the rest of them, but the expression on her face was one of complete and utter confusion. Her eyes were narrowed, and her mouth was halfway open, like she was right on the edge of saying something. Monika tilted her own head, pouting slightly when she saw Natsuki like that. “Is something wrong?”

“I… Who are you guys talking about?” There was a tense moment of silence right after she said that, during which nobody seemed to know how to respond. Sayori and Yuri looked towards each other, then towards Monika, who was still staring back at Natsuki all the while.

“Hm?” Monika asked. “What do you mean?”

“Those names,” Natsuki insisted. “I don’t… I don’t recognize them.”

“Really? Well, maybe you’ve just never had classes with either of them,” Monika suggested. “Is there anyone from any of your own classes you’d like to invite?” Once again, Natsuki opened her mouth like she was about to say something, and once again, no words came out. And then, just like before, she winced in pain, doubling over and pushing her fingertips to her forehead.

“Natsuki!” Sayori cried out, immediately jumping to her feet and starting to rush towards the couch. Monika put an arm out to cut her off, though, shaking her own head before slowly starting to approach instead.

“Is everything alright?” she asked, slowly moving towards the couch while crouching down to bring herself down to Natsuki’s eye level. “Is the headache back?”

“It’s… It’s not just… That,” Natsuki grunted out, keeping her face buried into her hands for the time being. “It’s…”

“Did you get enough sleep last night?” Sayori asked. “Oh! And did you make sure to drink enough water? Dehydration causes headaches!”

“I don’t… I don’t remember,” Natsuki said softly. “I don’t remember… Any of it.” That was the realization Monika had been waiting for. Natsuki didn’t remember anything, because there was nothing for her to remember in the first place. Her father, the classmates they had been talking about, Natsuki’s own classmates, even the night before, after they had left school. None of it had ever existed, and now Natsuki seemed to be realizing just how many enormous gaps there were in her own memory. It was like one of those optical illusions, with the shapes that seemed to appear at the edges of your vision, only to vanish when you looked directly at it. Natsuki was finally looking directly at it.

It still wouldn’t do to simply throw Natsuki into the deep end now that she was starting to piece things together, though. Monika had learned her lesson from Sayori and Yuri, and while she didn’t think there was necessarily a  _ good _ way to do something like this, she wanted to make it as painless as possible.

“What do you mean you don’t remember?” Monika asked, cautiously making it the rest of the way over to the couch. She sat down just beside Natsuki, slowly reaching out to place a hand on her friend’s back. “What is it that you don’t remember?”

“It’s… It’s everything,” Natsuki replied. “I don’t remember… School. Any of our classmates, or- or my home, or… I don’t even remember how I got here,” she admitted.

“But you still remember us, right?” Monika stressed. “Monika, and Yuri, and Sayori?”

“Y-Yeah. I- I remember you guys…” The more Natsuki thought about it, the more she started to realize that that was the  _ only _ thing she remembered. Club meetings with the other three girls, and now this, but anything past that was just a hazy cloud at best, and outright absent at worst. Slowly, Natsuki lifted her face from her hands, looking up towards Monika as the taller girl sat beside her. Her eyes were wide, looking like they were just on the edge of tears, and Monika recognized a familiar expression on her face. She was still more calm than Yuri or Sayori had been, but it was an identical expression all the same: Natsuki was terrified. “What’s happening to me…?”

“That’s… A complicated question,” Monika sighed. It was hard to stay positive in a moment like this, but she was forcing herself to keep a smile on her face, for Natsuki’s sake far more than for her own. “But I guess I should start by telling you that there’s nothing wrong with you. Not being able to remember anything isn’t a problem with your memory. The reason you can’t remember any of those things is because… None of those things ever actually existed.” That claim was, as Monika had expected, met with nothing more than a blank stare from Natsuki. She was silent at first, and then her face twisted to a scowl, and suddenly she was moving back, trying to shake Monika’s hand off of her.

“Don’t try to screw with me like this!” she snapped. “I’m being serious here!”

“So are we.” This time, to Monika’s own surprise, it was Yuri who had spoken up. She looked over just in time to see the other girl rising from the floor, beginning to walk towards the couch where she and Natsuki were sitting. She carried a certain amount of poise and grace with her as she went along which, while not unusual for Yuri, was a far cry from the way she had been when she had been the one going through all of this herself, just a day before. Her expression remained stoic until she was standing just in front of Natsuki, crouching down just as Monika had to bring herself closer to the other girl’s level.

“I know… I know we’ve always had our differences,” Yuri began softly. “We haven’t always gotten along, and… We’ve fought in the past. But… I hope you know that no matter how much we’ve argued, or yelled at each other, and no matter how many mean things have been said…. I’ve never hated you. And I’ve certainly never hated you enough to joke about something this cruel. I felt this same way at first. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it either. But even if you don’t trust me, which I can understand… Please at least listen to what the others have to say.”

It was an interesting ploy, and Monika found herself fascinated to see how this was going to play out. What Yuri had said was true- historically, she and Natsuki had always had the worst dynamic out of anyone in the club. And yet, Monika still remembered things she had glimpsed in past iterations of their world. Conversations between the player and Natsuki in which she had admitted that she had never hated Yuri, conversations in which she had even wished the two of them could be better friends. Yuri didn’t have any way of knowing those conversations had happened, of course, but maybe she had always known Natsuki felt that way all the same. Maybe she knew without even realizing she knew. That still didn’t guarantee that it would work, of course. Extending the olive branch was one thing, but Yuri had picked a hell of a time to do so, and it was still on Natsuki to reach out and take it.

“Tell me what’s going on. Now.”

Well, that was progress. It was better than outright rejection.

“The reason you can’t remember anything,” Monika tried again, “is because… Our entire world exists inside a computer.” She still felt like an absolute lunatic saying something like that, but at least it managed to sound slightly less outlandish than saying they were characters in a dating simulation. Not by much, but any little bit counted. “Our entire world is actually incredibly finite. You can’t remember things like our classmates or your home because they don’t actually exist within this world’s programming.” Monika stopped there, giving Natsuki time to react, and that seemed to be time Natsuki was more than happy to take. Understandably, it was a few moments before she was able to form a coherent response. Her initial reaction was to reject everything she had heard outright, and it was only through taking Yuri’s advice and forcing herself to hear this out to the very end that she managed to keep herself from doing that. Even so, she was still having a hard time wrapping her mind around any of this.

“So if you’re telling the truth… And I’m not saying I believe you!” Natsuki was quick to add on. “But if you really are, then… Why are we here?”

“That’s a great question,” Monika replied. “I think, originally, this was meant to be… Some sort of game. A game that someone was meant to play. But now the game is over, and they’re gone, and the four of us are just… Stuck here. Left behind.” It wasn’t a particularly comforting thought, but there was a limit to how much she could sugar coat something like this. At a certain point, it stopped being the truth.

“So… We were all put into a game,” Natsuki repeated, verbally processing all she had just heard. “And then whoever made the game just left us here. And now we’re stuck.”

“That’s right,” Monika agreed. Natsuki wasn’t looking at anyone in particular at this point. Instead she was just staring down towards her own lap, a mixture of emotions written across her face while she tried to process everything. Monika gave her a few seconds to register it all, before scooting a little bit closer. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking…” Natsuki replied, far more soft spoken than she usually was. “I’m thinking I don’t wanna believe that you guys would play a nasty trick like this one me. But you can’t really expect me to believe any of this either.” There it was. The brick wall Monika had been afraid of running into.

“I know it’s really hard to wrap your head around,” Sayori piped up, coming to sit on the floor just in front of where Natsuki was on the couch. “I don’t think I would believe any of it either if I couldn’t still remember bits and pieces of it.”

“You… You actually remember?” Hearing that was enough to make Natsuki lift her head, looking Sayori dead in the eyes. Even if she wasn’t buying into the entire narrative regarding games and fake worlds, she was still left with no explanation for the massive gaps that existed within her memory.

“Oh, yeah!” Sayori replied, nodding vigorously. “This is probably gonna sound just as crazy as everything else we’ve said, but… Being club president gives you some sort of special powers!” she explained. “That’s why Monika knows everything! And I was also the club president for a little bit, so I remember a bunch of stuff too!” And then, just after saying that, a light bulb seemed to go off inside Sayori’s head. “Oh, I know! If I tell you something you’ve never told anyone before, that’ll prove that I’m telling the truth, right?”

“I… I guess?” Natsuki replied. “But you won’t find anything like that!” That challenge was still good enough for Sayori, and she immediately shut her eyes tightly, scrunching up her face as she started racking her brain for anything that could help her case.

“Hmmmmmmmm!” she whined out, squeezing her fists as she tried to focus. The sight was almost comical, and Monika might have started laughing, were it not for the weight of the situation. But then, finally, the tidbit of useless information Sayori had been searching for popped into her head. “I’ve got it! That manga you like is called Parfait Girls, right?”

“I’ve told you that!”

“But you’ve never told anyone that your favorite character is a really unlucky girl named Minori!” Natsuki went silent when Sayori claimed that, but it was clear from the look of shock on her face that the nail had been hit firmly on the head. Natsuki looked back at Sayori for a few seconds, then sharply glanced away, shrinking in on herself even more.

“That’s- How did you-”

“You never told anyone, right?” Sayori asked. “Because you’ve never talked to any of us about your manga. And… that’s maybe our own fault for never listening,” she admitted. “But when the player was still around… You talked to him about it.”

“... _ Him _ ?” Monika felt a pit form in her stomach when she heard Natsuki say that, but Sayori seemed unaware of the full weight of the word, and she just kept on explaining herself.

“Yeah. The player- or at least, the player’s character in this world, was a boy. He joined the club, and… And we were all supposed to fall in love with him, I think.” Hearing that was an uncomfortable truth to be reminded of for all of them, but it carried a special weight for Natsuki. Monika could see the way the smaller girl practically shuddered when she heard that, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging them against herself tightly.

“I… I’m done talking about this,” she decided.

“Natsuki…” Monika said, reaching out towards her friend again.

“I believe you guys. I believe… I dunno. Anything you want to tell me. I’m just done talking about this.” For once in her life, Monika really felt like she didn’t know what to say. She looked up towards Yuri and Sayori, but the other two girls were looking right back at her, seeming just as desperate for an answer as she was. They were clearly looking to her for guidance, and while Monika was increasingly reluctant to place herself in that role, especially after everything she had said to Sayori last night, it didn’t feel right to just do nothing for her friends when they needed her either. Maybe, she thought to herself, if she could could go so long calling herself a leader without acting like one, maybe that meant she could just as easily act like a leader without calling herself one too.

“Okay, everyone,” she said, beckoning the other girls towards her. “I think everyone here could use a hug right about now.”

“Hey- What are you-??” Natsuki started to protest, but by then it was already too late to stop it. One of Monika’s arms was around her, pulling her closer, and Sayori was practically throwing herself onto the couch to join the two of them. Even Yuri, while far more calm about it, had come to join them as well, wrapping her arms around her friends until they were gathered in one giant pile, Natsuki trapped down at the center.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” Monika hummed out, cheek pressed into Sayori’s shoulder while one arm wrapped around Yuri’s back, and the other squeezed onto Natsuki tightly.

“You guys are the worst,” Natsuki grumbled out from her spot at the center.

“Maybe,” Monika giggled back. “But you’d better get used to it! Because you’re stuck with us forever.”

“Monika, what the fuck.”


	13. end;

The four girls sat on the steps of the school, staring out over the empty street that stretched out in front of them. There was a certain eerie quality to seeing it like this, desolate and abandoned, and so incredibly finite, but Monika felt it was something they would grow used to in time. They were wearing their uniforms, and there was a banner stretched out over the front door of the school hanging above their heads. “HAPPY SCHOOL FESTIVAL!” it read. Maybe there was a certain grim irony to that, but they had worked hard on the preparations for this. It felt like it would be a shame not to celebrate. Even if it was only the four of them.

There was a cupcake sitting in Monika’s lap, and a much larger container of them sitting on one of the steps near her feet. After Natsuki had started to calm down and had felt at least a little bit better, they had decided baking was the exact sort of thing they all needed to take their minds off of heavier topics for a while. They had all packed into the kitchen, and chaos had ensued: powdered sugar had ended up coating every surface that was present, frosting had gotten onto Yuri’s face and, somehow, into her hair, Monika had made sure to leave spoons aside for everyone to lick as they worked, Sayori had made it very clear she had no idea how to properly crack an egg, and Natsuki had thrown a fit because nobody was following her instructions. It was the hardest Monika could remember laughing in her entire life.

Things were quieter now. The four of them were still together, but it had been a few minutes since anyone had said anything. Maybe it wasn’t hard to imagine why: they were all far too preoccupied with the time.

9:47 am. That was the deadline Monika had given them. That was as far as the game had ever made it before, the time when the player had found Sayori’s body in a past iteration of their world and everything had shut down. It was 9:42 now. Only five more minutes until they entered into completely uncharted territory. And once they broke over that threshold, Monika honestly had no idea what was going to happen. She didn’t know whether the world would keep marching on down this new, unexplored path, whether it would reset like it had in the past and toss them all back to the beginning, or whether it would simply come to an end. For all she knew, these were the last five minutes the four of them would ever get to spend together.

“Hey,” she said through a mouthful of cake and frosting, cupping her hand just under her chin to catch the crumbs as they fell. “I know everyone’s a little nervous right now, but… Can I say a few things?” Heads slowly turned to look at her after she said that, and on the faces of her friends she could see a whole variety of emotions: fear, stress, anxiety, hesitation, dread. She felt it as well. But she was trying her hardest to put on a brave face for everyone else.

“Yeah,” Natsuki eventually said, when it became clear no one else was going to. “Go ahead.” Monika smiled back at the smallest member of the group, before starting off on the speech she had somewhat haphazardly planned out the night before.

“I think we’re all probably afraid of what’s going to happen in… Four more minutes,” she said, glancing down at her phone again and watching as time continued to tick on. “I wish I could confidently tell everyone that everything will be okay, and that there’s nothing to worry about. But… I won’t lie to you all like that,” she stated bluntly. “I don’t know what’s about to happen any more than the rest of you do. So if this really is the end, I just want to say… I’m glad I got to know all of you. You are, without a doubt, the most wonderful group of friends I ever could have had, and I’m so sorry that I never properly appreciated that in the past.

“Sayori,” she began, and Sayori twitched upright a bit when she heard her own name. “You’re a fiercely loyal friend, and the sort of amazing, selfless person who will go out of her way to do absolutely anything for the people you care about. You did so much more as vice president than I ever could have asked of you, and I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this without you by my side. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everything you’ve done for me, and for this club.” Sayori smiled softly as she heard Monika say those words, hands fidgeting together in her lap in mild embarrassment.

“Yuri,” Monika continued, looking towards the next member of their club. Yuri seemed startled by this, eyes going a little wider, and even before Monika had started speaking her face was already reddening faintly. “You have a positively brilliant mind. The way you see the world, it seems like everything must be a poem to you, and I wish I could get the chance to see how beautiful it all must be from that point of view. You may stay quiet a lot of the time, and you might not talk as much as the rest of us do, but that’s only because when you do speak, the things that come out of your mouth are some of the most thoughtful and insightful I’ve ever heard. You’re an inspiration to me, both as a writer, and as a person.” If Yuri’s face had been flushing before, it was positively burning up by the time Monika was finished. She ended up looking off to the side, reaching up to run her fingers through a few strands of her hair before she spoke.

“Th-Thank you…” she said softly. Monika beamed back at her, then turned to the last of their club members.

“And Natsuki-”

“You don’t have to do this,” Natsuki interrupted, but Monika just wagged a finger back at her.

“Oh-ho, don’t think you’re getting out of this!” she replied. “I have plenty of compliments to give, and none of you are safe! Natsuki, I think it’s fair to say you have the strongest sense of independence and identity out of anyone here. You’ve never been afraid to be who you are or say what’s on your mind, and you’ve never been willing to back down or apologize for the things you like or believe in either, no matter what anyone else might have to say about it. You don’t care what anyone else thinks: the only person whose opinion about you matters to you is your own, and I think that’s precisely the way it should be. You don’t just march to the beat of your own drum: you make the drum beat to you.” Now it was Natsuki’s turn to blush, although her face didn’t turn quite as red as Yuri’s. Still, she found herself breaking eye contact away from Monika just as Yuri had done before her, crossing her arms and slumping down against one of the steps.

“I swear, it’s like you’re  _ trying  _ to embarrass us,” she muttered.

“Maybe!” Monika giggled back. “You guys make it really easy! Anyway,” she concluded, turning her gaze back out over the street rather than looking at anyone in particular. “I think that’s everything I can think of to say. I really do mean it when I tell you all I’m so much luckier than I deserve to be just by having friends like you in the first place. I really don’t know what’s about to happen next,” she admitted. “But… I know that no matter what it is, it will be okay. Because all of us are here, with each other, and that’s all I could possibly ask for. So-”

“Monika.” However that thought might have ended, it was interrupted by another voice. Monika felt a hand on her knee, and as she looked down she saw Sayori had been the one to place it there. She was looking back up at her now- all three of the other girls were, actually, although Sayori had been the one to speak. “You don’t have to do this anymore.”

“Huh?” Monika replied, tilting her head to the side. “Do what?”

“ _ This _ ,” Sayori repeated. “The whole… Dramatic speech thing. Trying to tell us everything will be okay. Trying to act brave and pretend you’re not afraid so we won’t be either. But… You’re not the club president anymore,” Sayori reminded her. “You’re not our leader. So it’s okay to be scared, just like the reset of us.” Monika was silent at first, simply staring back at Sayori with a look of blank surprise for a few seconds. Then, bit by bit, a smile began to stretch across her face. It didn’t come alone, though: gradually, tears were starting to well up in her eyes, growing heavier and heavier until they had finally gathered up enough to break over her eyelids and spill down her cheeks. And when they broke, so did Monika.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had let herself feel weak like this. She had cried a few times in recent memory, but it had always been so much more controlled, the sort of tears she could wipe away with her sleeve while pretending she was still fine. She had spent so long trying to act strong, trying to keep up a smile, trying to tell herself and everyone around her that everything was okay. But now she wasn’t doing any of that. She was absolutely crumbling, buckling forward and clinging onto Sayori as she sobbed hard enough to shake her entire body. Her fingers dug into the back of Sayori’s blazer, face buried into the shoulder, and she cried harder than she could ever remember crying in her entire life.

Monika didn’t want to lift her face while she was like this, but even without doing so she could feel Yuri and Natsuki move closer, slowly putting their arms around her until, this time, she was the one at the center of their group. Nobody said anything, aside from the occasional, quiet “ _ Shhhh _ ” coming from Sayori as she ran a hand up and down Monika’s back. She wasn’t sure how long she ended up crying for, but by the time she eventually started to settle back down her eyes itched, her throat was raw, her knuckles ached from clinging onto Sayori so tightly. And yet when she looked back up, she was still smiling all the same.

“Thank you, everyone…” she said softly, although her voice was so hoarse now it was a struggle even to get those simple words out.

“Hey… Monika?” Her attention was captured by Natsuki’s voice, and all three of their heads looked towards it. Natsuki had picked up Monika’s phone, and had turned it so the rest of them could see. The screen was lit up, and there was a time displayed on it: 9:51 am. Three minutes past 9:47. Monika stared at it for a few seconds, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, and then she broke out into quiet, relieved laugher. Sayori had been right to say she was just pretending to be strong. She had been trying her hardest to tell herself, and everyone else, that she wasn’t afraid, but how couldn’t she be? She had been staring down the end of their universe. Anyone would have been terrified.

“So… What does this mean?” Yuri was the next to speak, her eyes pulling themselves away from the screen as she looked between her friends, searching for an answer. “Does this mean it will just… Keep going?”

“Yeah,” Monika replied, nodding softly as she gradually found her own voice again. “I think so. I mean… ‘Keep going’ is kind of a loose term. We’ve already seen that this world is programmed to have day and night, but… That’s really it. I don’t think we have seasons here, and it’s not like weeks and weekends actually mean anything when the whole school is empty either. So I don’t think it will ‘keep going’ so much as it will just… Stay exactly like it is.”

“That’s kind of a scary thought…” Sayori murmured. “Being stuck in this one time, and this one place, forever, without anything ever changing… Every day being exactly like this one…”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be that way,” Monika said, and Sayori looked back up towards her as she spoke, clearly startled and a bit surprised by those words. “I mean, why do holidays exist in the first place?” Monika asked. “There’s nothing in nature that tells people they should celebrate Christmas on December 25th and Halloween on October 31st. The only reason we do is because we as humans decided that we wanted it to be that way. So who’s to say we can’t still decide to do that? We can have our own Christmases, and our own Halloweens. And I don’t think any of us were given real birthdays, but we can pick our own and celebrate those too! We can even make up some holidays just for ourselves if we want! Holidays like… Literature day! Or cupcake day!” she suggested. “The possibilities are endless! And since it’s just the four of us, there won’t even be anyone to tell us that our holidays are stupid or made up. Except maybe Natsuki,” she teased.

“They  _ are  _ made up,” Natsuki huffed back. “I don’t need to tell you that for it to be true. But…” she added on, expression softening up a little bit. “I guess I wouldn’t mind celebrating a cupcake day…”

“See?” Monika said, smiling as she started to stand up, carefully extracting herself from the tangled mess of hugs she had still been buried into. “I know this is still sort of a shitty hand that we’ve been dealt, and I won’t try to convince you all that this is somehow a good thing. There will probably be a lot of times when this really, really sucks, and a lot of times when we wish we weren’t trapped in this god awful situation. I won’t try to pretend otherwise. But… There’s that old saying, right? Life is what you make of it! And I guess, in a weird sort of way, we’ve been given more of a chance to make something of it than anyone else ever has. So… Let’s try not to get too down on ourselves right off the bat, okay? We’ll have plenty of time for that later on,” she laughed. “For now let’s all keep our heads up, and say… To new beginnings! Or a fresh start! Or something like that!” As Monika finished speaking she looked back down at her friends, and from the blank expressions she was getting she was briefly worried that her motivational speech had fallen flat. But after a second or two had passed Sayori was suddenly jumping to her feet as well, smiling about as brightly as Monika had ever seen her smile before.

“Yeah!” she agreed. “Monika’s right! We don’t have to pretend things are perfect, but that doesn’t mean we have to let them be terrible either! That’s what life has always been like, right? Sometimes you laugh and you have fun and you feel happy, and other times you feel sad or upset and you start to cry, but you always get through it in the end! So as long as we stick together and have each other’s backs, I know we’ll get through this too!”

“I know I’ve never been the sort of person to put myself in the spotlight,” Yuri said, slowly getting to her feet alongside the other two girls. “But I suppose, if there’s ever a time to do so… this is probably it. It seems impossible to think that we’ve already come as far as we have,” she went on, electing to look down at her feet as she spoke, rather than at anyone else. “But we’ve managed to do so anyway, because of each other. And as long as we’ve made it this far… I don’t see any reason why we should stop now.”

“Well put, Yuri!” Monika said, before she looked down towards the last member of their group. Natsuki looked back up at her, scowling briefly before she reluctantly started to get to stand up as well.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” she grumbled. “I’m gonna be stuck with you guys no matter what I do. But… I guess, as far as people to be stuck with go…the three of you aren’t so bad,” she admitted.” And there’s no way I’m gonna give up over something stupid like this! So… Yeah. I’ll keep going too, just like the rest of you. Just don’t expect me to make a habit of getting all sappy or emotional like this or anything.”

“We wouldn’t dream of it,” Monika laughed, before stretching a hand out in front of herself, palm facing down towards the steps. “What do you guys say? ‘To new beginnings,’ on three?” She looked around at her little circle of friends, and one at a time the other girls started to put their hands in on top of hers, until they were all stacked together. “Okay, everyone!” she called out. “Are you all ready!”

“One!” Sayori shouted, before Monika had the chance.

“Two!” Yuri said, quickly following Sayori’s lead.

“Three!” Natsuki added on, not wanting to feel left out. And then, all at once, shouting so loudly their throats hurt and their lungs felt like they were going to burst:

“TO NEW BEGINNINGS!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! This is the first time I've gotten all the way through a multi-chapter fic with a set story like this, so it's really wild to sit here at the end and see how it all came together, but now that we're here I just want to extend an enormous thank you to everyone who's read this! Whether you've been following it since the beginning, jumped on near the end, or are finding this months down the road after it's all wrapped up, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the support. It's still so surreal and so immensely flattering to see people decide that the things I've written are actually worth spending their own time to read through, but I'm so grateful to everyone who's done so, and I owe an extra debt of gratitude to everyone who's given kudos, bookmarked this work, or left comments with their thoughts and feedback. I could go on for entirely too long about how much it means to me, but to keep myself from rambling forever I'll just say one more thank you, to all of you! And while this story is done, I still have plenty of other ideas for DDLC fics, so maybe I'll see you there in the future. To new beginnings!


	14. Everyone okay?

> Is everyone okay?   
>  What does it even mean when I ask that?
> 
> Some days being okay means spending time with your friends,  
>  laughing until your face hurts from smiling so much,  
>  until you feel like you can barely breathe and your stomach aches.  
>  Some days being okay means long hours in the clubroom,  
>  three a.m. talks about life,  
>  pretending to have secrets just to share them.  
>  Some days being okay means trying a recipe you’ve never tried before  
>  and learning to laugh when it doesn’t come out the way you want,  
>  or writing the words you want to read  
>  because you know no one else will do it for you.  
>  Some days being okay means the happy thoughts come on their own  
>  without you having to think about thinking.
> 
> Some days being okay is a reflex.  
>  A “How are you?”  
>  “I’m fine.”  
>  Lying to the people we have no reason to lie to because it’s what we’ve always known to do.  
>  Some days being okay is nothing.  
>  Nothing good.  
>  Nothing bad.  
>  Nothing worth mentioning at all.
> 
> Some days being okay isn’t actually very okay,  
> but it’s still not as not okay as it could be.  
> Some days being okay is flinching a little less than usual at an unexpected touch,  
> five cuts instead of fifty,  
> thinking the happy thoughts anyway even when they don’t want to come.  
> Some days being okay just means getting out of bed,  
> and putting on clothes,  
> and smiling at yourself in the mirror,  
> and that’s more okay than you were yesterday.
> 
> Some days being okay isn’t being okay at all.  
> Some days being okay is standing at the edge and wanting to jump,  
> and choosing to step back anyway,  
> because even if you’re not okay today maybe you’d like to be okay again tomorrow  
> and if you give up now you’ll never get that chance.
> 
> So today I’m okay.  
>  And maybe that’s a happy okay,  
>  or a reflex okay,  
>  or a getting better okay,  
>  or a just barely clinging to the end of my rope okay.  
>  But an okay is an okay no matter what kind of okay it is.  
>  So I’m okay,  
>  this is okay,  
>  we’ll be okay,  
>  we  _ are _ okay.  
>  And that’s all that matters.  
>  Right?


End file.
